The whole thing just seems rushed and stilted for some reason. Like there should be another chapter or two between each of the ones you've posted.

Hey, honey. This chapter looks good! (No, I'm not praising myself. You are a good author.) I forgot to mention, you might want to go into a touch more detail about Deargal. Is that his last name (I hope)? What is his first name? What exactly is it that he and Dawn do? Is he really a potential love interest for her? I know you will tackle some of these in the future, but I thought you ought to at least have them drawn to your attention so that you realise what things your readers don't know but may be interested in. =] Hope you get computer access again soon!

Thanks for the tips. I seriously was going to go into more detail with Deargal. It was actually going to be in the next chapter, because that's when he's making he's star appearance. =]

I'm going to go through all you suggested and I'm not giving up anything until the next chapter, like potential love interest things. There's probably going to be a lot of that as well.

Thanks, for pointing all of that out and I still have at the most two more days of computer access so I'll try and work fast.

Cheers!

Hey, good twist on a normally very predictable plotline. Kudos. Inventive names, good characterization. I liked the way Faith handled Dawn's phonecall. Very Faith.

Just a small criticism, not really a criticism, more like an FYI...Seamus is Irish, not Scottish.

Overall, well done!

That did help clear things up, but I want more waaaaaaaaaaaaah! OK, done whining; please update soon!

Yep, looks good. I'm always glad to help out. =]

Ahh! I almost forgot! If you want to write to me and get some private "picky-ness" before posting, feel free. I've done lots of beta-reading (until the authors get sick of writing the story, or get tired of me, whichever comes first!) cutiepie @ xmission.com (with no spaces)

Hey, Ducks. Another good chapter. However, I (as usual) have found some points to be picky about. First, why is Charlie even thinking about Sanna finding out about her twin? It's been 16 years, and nothing has happened yet. I don't think it would be on his mind at all, especially since Dawn, being an American, is in all likelyhood in America.

Next, why are the Americans referring to mothers as "mum" and not "mom" (first being English, second being American).

Then, why the spelling you have chosen for "Chlaresa" when I think you mean Clarissa/Claresa or something similar. In looking at it, I want to make the 'Ch' sound like in chocolate, and that makes for a near unpronouncable name.

And, this description:

"Chlaresa had bright red hair, half up, to her shoulders and hazel eyes, meanwhile the
girl next to her the opposite. Dark brown hair cropped to her head with grey eyes."

may work better like this:

"Claresa had bright red, shoulder-length hair, half pinned up, and hazel eyes. Meanwhile,
the girl next to her appeared the opposite. Dark brown hair cropped close to her head,
with grey eyes."

Last nit-pick: You might want to refer to the beds as four *sets* of bunkbeds, since I was thinking that it only totalled six beds in each room (ie, four bunkbeds equals two top bunks and two bottom bunks).

Anyway, you are setting the scene pretty well, and I look forward (as always) to reading more. =]

Hey again. I'm glad your picky, otherwise, my fic would never get fixed up. The Charlie thing being paranoid thing is because, you know when you get that feeling that something is going to go completely wrong and you know it's going to happen soon but you don't know when? Well, if you do, that's basically what he's feeling like and also Charlie met Dawn in England and I just realised that I haven't mentioned that yet so it probably makes no sense. I'll just have to do a Charlie or a Dawn scene.

The whole 'mum' thing is not because of how the English say it, but because how the Australians say it, which is kind of where we got it from, but that's beside the point. I'll fix it up.

Thanks for the heads up about 'Chlaresa'. I'll probably change it to Claresa because I don't really like the name Clarissa.

I'll think over the whole description thing. It can probably do with some work because I'm nor that good with descibing things. I end up saying 'it looked like that thingy' or 'it was kind of like that but not really' and I'll defintely change the bunkbeds.

See ya. =]

I think you are the queen of inventive names! OK; firstly I think you forgot to change Natasha's nickname (she's still Ra) and secondly, this may be me being really dense, but is Rom a boy or a girl and is s/he Willow's kid? Please keep it coming, Kiara xxx

Thanks for making me the queen of inventive names. I changed the Ra bit and made it Tash and Rom is a guy. Willow adopted him. I'll say more about it in the second chapter which hopefully will be out soon. Thanks again. Bye!

Ah, yes. Much better names. Definitely more like something that a California girl and an English guy might name their children. And it makes more sense that the picture is hidden in the drawer, rather than sitting on top (as it originally appeared to me). No, I don't imagine that the girls would remember that the other exists, even if they were together until they were two or three. I only thought that since the photo seemed to be in plain sight (as I now know it wasn't) that she would be very curious as to who everyone in the picture was. =] Good work!

I'd just like to say thanks again for all the tips. It really helped and I'm probably going to have to change some other names as well but if it makes the fic work, I'll give it a shot. I'm glad you like the names as well. Bye! =]

This fic is very difficult to read. You should consider putting spaces inbetween the sentences.

You've got a good plot going. Update soon, please.

Different to the other challenge responces of this nature that I've read! Please continue, and quickly!!!

OK, got a few problems here. First, what's with the name Oshena? It's probably a perfectly lovely name and all, but not something I can actually imagine Dawn and Charlie naming their daughter. Raquel is kind of pushing it, if you ask me (more French in origin than English, and it just doesn't seem to fit). And why do even her mother and father refer to Raquel as Ra? Rather an unusual nickname, and it would seem that Charlie hasn't seen or heard from Dawn and Raquel in a long time, so how would he even know that's what she is called? So, please give some explanation for the names, or maybe even change them completely.

Second problem is, if Charlie has a picture of Dawn and himself with the twin infants at his bedside, how is it that the daughter knows nothing? Unless he has it bespelled so that only he can see it, I can't possibly imagine that the daughter could go for 15 or 16 years without dragging the whole story of the picture out of him. =]

I may change Oshena but I think I'm sticking with the name Raquel. I was even thinking of changing Oshena right before I posted it, so thanks for the tip.

Dawn and Charlie broke it off when the twins were barely even a year old. They don't remember. Do you think you would? I know I don't. Oshena didn't know about Raquel, so therefore she didn't ask. She just thought Dawn was never there. They divorced for their own reasons and she probably would have questioned them when she was younger but not now. And about the photo, I meant to say that it was in a drawer in the bedside table. I'll fix that up, and thanks for pointing this all out. Bye =]