In Trouble, You Are

Title: Cordylosophies
Author: JoeHundredaire (joehundredaire@tthfanfic.com)
Rating: R/FR18.
Pairings: Cordelia Chase/Hiskari Dorset
Disclaimer: George Lucas probably owns Star Wars (I'd be really surprised if he didn't) and someone who's not me (but may be Joss Whedon) owns Buffy.
Joe's Note: Strange, this story is. Too much rum, did I drink. Scare you, my mind may.

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     "In the past, exceptions we have made. Called before the Council, you are again. Resolved, this issue must be."

     Cordelia Chase rolled her eyes. When the Powers That Be had offered to reincarnate her in another universe after the whole Jasmine debacle and the final death of her body on Earth, she'd jumped at the chance. Because honestly, the afterlife wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. All white and glowy and peaceful… it was boring, to be blunt. Sitting around all day, watching the living. Ugh. What was the use of seeing what the newest fashions would be before they hit shelves if she wasn't even corporeal to buy them?

     The Powers had told her it was a reward, and so she'd assumed they weren't going to send her to Vampire Willow's universe or something. What was the worst that could happen? And she'd get to see all her friends again, even if they were a bit different. So she'd gone for it.

     Evidently, ‘another universe' wasn't the alternate universe she'd assumed. Oh no, they'd sent her literally to another universe entirely, where she'd been incarnated as a seventeen-year old local girl. In some cosmic joke, she'd ended up as part of that universe's main group of do-gooders. Except they were a lot more emotionally repressed than the Angel Investigations crew had been, even during the worst of Angel's broody phases.

     And they had much worse fashion sense, which took some doing when your companions had been a vampire, a former Watcher, a half-demon, a street rat, and a girl who liked to hole up in her room and write on the walls. But the Jedi's fashion sense was a matter for another time, when she wasn't getting bitched at by them for having fun. "Seriously, it was her idea to have sex in the training room. She wanted it, I wanted it, we're almost consenting adults, where's the problem?"

     "Almost old enough and yet not actually old enough under the law, mind you." Adi Gallia tilted her head and regarded Cordelia with the eerie dispassionate look the brunette was becoming all too familiar with seeing on the faces of the older Jedi. Honestly, she knew they were annoyed with her. Who did they think they were fooling by busting out their best statue imitations? "They are not the same thing."

     "Uh huh. So we're close enough to being adults that you can send us out to die on missions for the good of the Republic, but not old enough to sleep together without getting in trouble?" Cordelia huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. "And I thought Bush came up with some ridiculous stuff."

     Steepling his fingers beneath his chin, Mace Windu stared at her. "Your age and the laws of the Republic are only a secondary problem in this matter. Attachment is forbidden. Your relationship violates the Jedi Code and we have already spoken to you once about the matter. Yet you and Padawan Dorset continue to grow closer. If you don't deal with the situation soon, we will be forced to take care of it for you."

     Cordelia was again struck by the resemblance between Mace Windu and Samuel L. Jackson from back on Earth. Mace wasn't too fond of her, though. Probably owing to the time she'd loaded a crate of snakes onto his shuttle to see how he dealt with ‘motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking ship'.

     He had not been amused.

     "You're threatening to kick me out? Moi? You know you're stuck with me. Even if the patients in the nearest local mental hospital have better emotional control, I was incarnated directly as one of your padawans." Cordelia paused and looked around before gesturing to herself. "Forget your emo little Chosen One, ladies and gentleman and assorted weird alien beings, I'M a gift from the Force."

     "Return you, I wish we could." It was only her years of learning to listen very careful for signs of sneaking vampires that let Cordelia pick up Yoda's muttered complaint. Raising his voice to normal levels, he continued. "Aware of your origin, we are. Saddled with your presence, the Jedi Order is. Yet... with Padawan Dorset, inappropriate your behavior is. Stop it, you must. Required in the Order, her presence is not."

     It took Cordelia a moment to translate from gnome-speak to Basic. "So what, you're threatening to kick Hiskari out if we continue to see each other?" She pondered the injustice of it all for a moment before her mind latched onto something. "Wait. I know of at least two dozen padawans I've caught getting horizontal with each other. Why aren't they being called in to get bitched at?"

     The gathered Jedi looked at each other and Cordelia's growing power with the Force could sense their unease. Finally, Shaak Ti growled and broke the silence. "To be a Jedi does not mean you have to be celibate. It is merely attachment that's forbidden."

     "Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute." Cordelia held up her hand, trying to figure out whether that meant what she thought it meant. "So I can have sex with other padawans… I just can't date them? That's the message here?" Shaak Ti just gave her a grin full of sharp teeth while none of the other masters would look at her. "That… is… fucking awesome. No pun intended. Oh my God, I'm going to have to make a To-Do List."

     Eleven other heads snapped to stare at her so fast she thought they'd all get whiplash. "A To-Do List?" Mace looked vaguely discomfited by the phrase, even though she knew it was unfamiliar to him. "What do you mean?"

     Cordelia clapped her hands together, grinning excitedly. "Do you know how many amazingly hot padawans are running around the temple? Guys and girls? With the exercise program you've got us all on, you could probably run the galaxy's best modeling agency out of this temple. If I'd known dating was taboo but sleeping around was okay, there are so many beds I'd be trying out." She pointed at Shaak Ti. "I know Master Ti's got a Mini-Me running around, I've met a few guys here who are positively delish, and there are FIVE different flavors of Twi'lek in the Temple right now. Maybe I'll go taste the rainbow."

     "We have made exceptions in the past for your lightsaber crystal and your attire." Eeth Koth closed his eyes for a moment, head tilted to one side, before opening them against to stare at her. "I'm believe that in light of the relevant new information you've brought before the Council regarding your case, we should make another exception for your relationship with Padawan Dorset. All in favor?" His hand and eleven others shot up into the air. "All opposed?" None. "I believe the matter has been resolved. You're dismissed."

     Bouncing up and down a few times, Cordelia grinned. "Cool. Well, I should probably get back. You guys pulled me out of a lightsaber training session. An actual one, not a 'lightsaber training session' with Hiskari. This was fun. We should to it again sometime." Before one of the masters could answer, she hustled over to the turbolift. Pressing the right button, she gave the assembly a wide smile before disappearing from view.

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     "Tricked, I believe we were." Yoda frowned as he turned his hoverchair to face the shadowy back of the room. "Shame do I feel."

     A figure emerged from the shadows, cloaked in the standard brown robes of a Jedi. "Hiskari Dorset is my padawan. At least with the present situation, Padawan Chase's oddness is contained to just one other." J'Mikel gestured to Eeth Koth, then Shaak Ti. "I've seen her looking at your Padawan Tod, Master Koth, and Master Ti's 'Mini-Me' Chadaara Ko as well. If we had to choose, would you rather see Chase with Padawan Dorset or hopping from padawan to padawan and infecting others with her bizarre ideals and vocabulary?"

     "No."

     "Nope."

     "Most certainly not."

     "A good point do you have."