A Nerd's Tale “Hark, oh ye Gentle Readers, to a great and glorious tale, the tale of how I, Andrew, Dungeon Master Supreme, saved the world. Nay, not just the world, the whole UNIVERSE. With great courage, diligence, and vision, I defeated the Evil One and won the acclaim of the number one (secret) military team in history. It all started on a Tuesday...
I was in the kitchen, preparing our morning gagh, when I had the strange feeling of being watched. Suddenly, I was engulfed in a bright white light, which totally lacked the cool sparkles of a Starfleet transporter. To my surprise, my destination was not the clean shiny transporter room, but a drab-looking military room. Honestly, these military types need a new interior designer. Faded blues and greens are just so last year.
Anyway, after the chaos that ensued, it was discovered that I had been brought to this highly secret facility by means of a WISH made by one of the soldier-type people, for a way of defeating their dreaded enemy, the Goa'ould Apophis. Naturally, the one to be summoned for such an endeavor would be the Dungeon Master, champion of light, bane of demonkind.
It happened while I was explaining to my third set of guards how Star Wars: Episode 6 trumped all the other movies. A rather strident alarm started ringing and alarm lights lit up. Then, these alien guys with cool metal animal heads came marching down the hallway, so I asked them to take me to their leader. I always wanted to say that. I mean, how many chances do you get to meet real aliens? They underestimated my power and made no effort to restrain me. We marched through this giant stone ring filled with blue light; it kind of looked like a flushing toilet bowl, when you drop in the cleansing tabs. After a dizzying ride, freezing cold and manfully fighting off a touch a queasiness, I found myself in, well, to be honest, a rather boring field. But it was an alien field! I was standing where no Scooby had gone before! Of course, I wasn't standing there for long; the alien guards activated some kind of DEVICE, and we were surrounded by giant rings. In an instant, we were standing on the Mothership. Of course, the rings were no match for the transporter, but you can't have everything.
The guards gave me a push, a lot harder than really necessary, but it fit their image. Everyone knows alien guards have to shove their prisoners. It's a traditional rule of Bad Guy etiquette. They would lose face if they didn't. But they didn't have to push so HARD. Ah well, c'est la vie. It could actually be a good thing though. I mean, how many people can say they've been shoved around by aliens? With that in mind, I held my head high, and went to see the evil villain.
My first impression of Apophis was that he must have been very confident to be able to pull that outfit off. I mean, Ancient Egyptian is so 5th century BC. The skirt thing had me wondering as well, but to each his own. He was saying something to me about death and being a worm under the foot of some god, but I really wasn't paying attention. The bridge of Apophis's ship was so cool, all sorts of blinking lights and consoles, and no one would tell me what they did. They also didn't seem to want to know about Star Trek. Who doesn't want to know about Star Trek? It spreads a message of hope and peace to all species, and they needed to know about the Prime Directive.
For some reason, Apophis's face seemed to be twisting up a bit, and he seemed a bit angry. He shouted something in that strange alien language; his tone was kind of like a Klingon. One of the alien guards pointed a big staff in my direction, and I threw myself to the side to avoid the massive energy blast. I hit the ground hard, and the last thing I saw was the blast eating through Apophis..”
“Ok, hold on a minute,” said one of the young slayers in the living room, “So basically, you got kidnapped, annoyed the hell out of the alien, then tripped and hit your head when the guard tried to shoot you, but ended up shooting Apophis by accident. And this is your 'Grand Adventure'? Give me a break.”
“But it's true,” whined Andrew, “Because of me, Apophis was killed, his evil empire won't be striking back, and the Earth is safe for mankind.” The young man slouched in his seat, pouting.
Another Slayer spoke up, “What was the wish anyway? Why would anyone wish for YOU to save the Earth from aliens?”
Andrew perked up at this question. “A good question, my dear Slayer. A certain Col. O'Neill had been spending the afternoon watching two of his subordinates, Dr. Jackson and Major Carter, talking about ancient technology and cultures. Having only slightly more intelligence than the average hockey player, and unable to focus for more than five minutes at a time, Col. O'Neill said something to the effect of 'I wish Apophis knew what it felt like to have to deal with an annoying nerd for once, I bet he wouldn't last a day.'”
