Title: Hard to Say Good Bye
Series: Looking Back on it All
Author: RemusGirl
Rating: FR18

Summary: “You took him away! You and your stupid, unending war. He can’t hold me, or kiss me, or tell me how much he loves…loved me. He’s gone…and I hate you all.”

Warning: Tear Jerker! And Some Language.

Disclaimer: I don’t own.

“Hard To Say Goodbye”


It was hard to just stand there, staring as they put the body of his lover into the ground. It had been a couple of days since Harry had popped in, covered in dirt and grime. His face was tear streaked as he announced in a small, quivering voice that Professor Lupin was dead. He had protected Harry from the Killing Curse, even though Harry was now officially immune to it. But Lupin, being the wonderful and considerate man that he is…was…immediately jumped in front of the spell. He left Harry behind to tell the one he loved that he would not be coming home as promised.

They were piling the dirt now, covering up the plain wooden casket that held Remus. There were people around him crying, moaning in heartbreak as he was slowly buried in the earth. Sirius had collapsed onto Severus, his head nestled against a bony shoulder as his sob’s over took him. Ron had his arms wrapped around Harry, supporting him on shaky legs. Teachers, students, and friends quietly shared their grief for the loss of this man.

“This is shit,” a voice announced, causing all activity to cease. Eyes turned towards the man who spoke with such contempt in his voice. He was a young man, with shaggy brown hair and soulful brown eyes. He was hunched over, hands shoved into warn out pockets. Those eyes glared at everyone around him, their color even more enhanced by the purple circles under his eyes.

“This is total complete shit,” he announced again, a sardonic smile twisting his face. Murmurs started around him as he stepped forward, stumbling slightly. Alcohol reaked on his breath and in the very air around him as he finally reached the hole where Professor Remus John Lupin was being buried.

“Dear Boy, what are you doing,” a voice whispered in his ear. The man turned to look at the old wizard, his eyes hard and unyielding.

“If you think for one moment that Remus is going to be buried under this type of hog shit, then you are quite mistaken Dumbledore,” he sneered as he pushed the old man aside to take the shovel from Hagrid. Dumbledore stumbled back, almost falling to the ground. His normally twinkling eyes were shadowed as he watched the boy…man…took the shovel and began to push the dirt into the whole.

“My lover…my responsibility to bury him…not anyone elses…”

“Xander-”

“I told you once before Mr. Black, and I will only repeat it once more. You broke Remus’ heart. You no longer have any say so in how things are done for him. If you take one more step towards me, I will bash you head in with this shovel. In fact, I think you all should leave,” he screamed, eyes blazing as he held his tool at the ready. Wizards and witches alike shuffled back. With all the powers in the world that they control, they new instantly that they could never match the strength of will in this boy. People began to leave, whispering amongst themselves, until only five individuals remained.

“Please-”

“Say your goodbyes and then get the hell away from me,” he whispered, his voice firm with conviction.

“After this day, you all no longer have the right to speak to me.”

“Dear boy-”

“You took him away!” Xander screamed, hard tears flowing down his face. He dropped the shovel as his hands came up to grasp his breaking heart.

“You and your stupid, unending war. You all took him away from me, and he can never come back. He can’t walk through my door and yell for me. He can’t hold me, or kiss me, or tell me how much he loves…loved me. He’s gone…and I hate you all.”

Harry stepped forward, tears streaking his face, but instantly ducked down as the shovel was thrown in his direction.

“You all died in my eyes the moment I knew he was gone.”

He never glanced back as he walked away, not at them and certainly not at his lover’s grave. Not much is known about what happened to him after that. They do know, from different sources, that he hooked up with the newly formed council in England, and soon after disappeared into the jungles of Africa. From that time on, no one heard a speck of information on Xander Harris.


The shift in magic alerted them first. It was strong, earth based magic, heady and pure. Love was the main driving force behind it, with hints of vengeance and desperation. It soon faded away into everyone’s confused minds, all besides one man’s.

“I wonder how he will like the 70’s?”

TBC...

YAY! I decided that since my muse has returned, that I need to go ahead and grab it, tie it up in my basement, and let it our for good behavior! Please Review! And there is more to come!!