One-Liners

Disclaimer in first chapter.

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I have never seen... Xander evil. (BtVS/Comics)

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The zeppo?

The zeppo was no more. Oh no.

Blown to kingdom come was he, blown to smithereens. The zombidiots did their job well, and there was no way a pathetic little child with a half-assed soldier possession could dismantle a bomb. Chaos remained and chaos reigned but the soldier was dead and done for!

He giggled, remembering him-that-was and he-that-would-be all at once. Seeing was like remembering, he was the One Who Sees, or would have been. Could have been. Should have been. No more. No more donut-fetching, vampire-kvetching, demon-cuddling, fear-huddling...

The doctors said he'd been hit on the head as a child. They were right, of course. Tony and Jessica hadn't been the ideal parents, but they'd done their job. If there was one thing he regretted, it was not being able to send them a proper thank-you. Please and thank you and now they spank you and sleep outside where the dead come alive. Proper presents for proper parents.

Dynamite, he'd thought: maybe for mother's day?

But really, really the smacks to the head hadn't done much more than addle what wit he'd been allotted. One addled teen was much like another, he hadn't been special. Not him, not the zeppo, oh no - not special at all.

Then came the hyena. She made him strong! He still wasn't good enough, no, no, never, never, never good enough never strong enough, not for precious Buffy with her Calling and her duty. Not for sweet Willow with her magic tricks and taffy smiles, trick-or-treat she used to be so sweet, such a sweet little girl. Not for Giles the unflappable, though the dear man had tried a bit a bit, a bit but never enough enough... it had left a soft spot in his heart for British men, though. So stiff-upper lip and no smiles, no smiles, no humor and they should laugh - they would laugh!

So he'd gone and tried to prove, what, what was there to prove? That he could do anything, he could be helpful and he'd tried, really he'd tried so hard and then came the boom and what had been addled was scrambled and it was all a big joke. He was the universe's buttmonkey but now his dimension had passed him like a corn husk so now he was the multiverse's buttmonkey and no one was laughing.

No one was laughing, why weren't they laughing?

His life was a joke, a funny funny story.

They should laugh.

He laughed. He giggled. He cackled. He grinned. Life is funny, and then you die.

He'd make them laugh. He could do it. He would do it.

The zeppo?

Oh, he died. I - we - she killed him.

I'm - he's - we're the Joker.

We joke.

Why aren't you laughing?

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A/N: This was a LOT of fun to write. *grins* Creepy, eh? So if any of you have seen a Xander-evil story, please let me know! Like, love, loathe with the fiery intensity of a thousand hot suns?

Lemme know!