Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. To my great, great sadness.



Buffy stood over Faith’s still form awkwardly, looking down at her in her hospital bed with her lips pressed tightly together. She shifted her weight from one foot to another, cleared her throat, though she felt no physical need to, and realized that she was biting her lip. She had been dreading this- putting this off with all-too-easily-made-and-accepted excuses- for nearly three weeks now. It had been three weeks since she and the rest of the senior class had defeated the mayor on graduation day, slightly more than three weeks since Faith had gone into a coma.

Well, “gone into” might not be the most accurate way to put it. If they were really going to be honest about it, the way to phrase the circumstances revolving around Faith succumbing to a coma was “Buffy put her into it with the help of Faith’s very own, very sharp knife, gifted to her by her evil father-figure the mayor.” She hadn’t seen another way at the time… but now, looking at the too still girl before her, Buffy felt her heart squeeze guiltily as she wondered. Could she have done something different, better? Was this really the one way things could have happened, or had she just not tried enough to find a better way? Had she not cared enough to try?

Buffy didn’t know, wasn’t sure… but the question made her squirm inwardly, feeling even guiltier than she already did.

Clearing her throat again, she looked down at Faith with a determined, resolute face, coming over closer to her. She was going to do this; she needed to do this. Not just for Faith, but for herself. If she was going to live with herself and what she 

had done- what she might have done better, differently- she was going to have to do this, and a lot more often too.

“Hi, Faith,” she said a bit nervously, taking a deep breath. She felt stupid as soon as she said it- what a way to open up, after all that had happened between them. Btu then again, maybe that was the only way, to start things simple and slow.

The doctors had said that Faith would probably never wake up, and that if she did, she would never be the same. But Buffy couldn’t believe that… she refused to believe that. Faith couldn’t die. She just couldn’t. She was a slayer… she would be okay.

Besides, Buffy had also heard doctors say that sometimes people could hear what people said to them while they were in a coma. And if Faith could hear her… well, then she’d tell her everything she needed to say, that Faith might need to hear.

“Hi, Faith,” she said again, a bit more calmly this time. “I know, I said that already… but to be honest, I’m a little nervous here, you know?”

She exhaled, taking another step closer, one hand gripping the wrist of her other hand with nervous energy, as she shifted her weight again, feeling hopelessly awkward and annoyed with herself. She hated to look at Faith, to see the young girl- the slayer- who had been once so full of life, never seeming to sit still or slow down, lying unmoving and expressionless. The only sign of life she displayed was the slow, slight rise and fall of her chest occasionally.

It was this, having to see her like this, to know that she had caused her to be like this, that had kept Buffy away. There really was no other reason.

Still, she found herself struggling to justify herself to the unresponsive girl, making excuses for her absence.



“I know… I should have come before. It was stupid not to. But I, I wanted to, Faith. Really. It’s just, everything was so crazy. I’ve been really busy. Slaying, job hunting- like slaying isn’t enough of a job already, but unfortunately, no pay for it, and no tax returns, you know? If I had a dollar for every vamp I staked, now that would be some serious dough. But no, no, of course not,” Buffy babbled nervously, her eyes flickering over Faith quickly before she looked past her at the wall beside the bed. “Plus, you know, I just started college, or I’m about to anyway, so I have to go to all these orientations and pack and buy stuff. And plus there was the mayor and blowing up the school aftermath to deal with… and… well, the whole deal where I had to figure out how I feel about you and what happened. I, I’m still kinda working on that one,” she admitted, her voice lowering.

She sighed again, mentally kicking herself. Okay, Buffy, this is so not what you came here for… that was not what you were supposed to say. Okay, so maybe you don’t know what you were supposed to say… but I can safely assure you that it wasn’t that. Definitely not that.

Slowly, hesitantly, Buffy sat down the edge of Faith’s bed and forced herself to look down at her. She could hear the quiet sounds coming from the monitors hooked up to Faith, the IV feeding her intravenously, and probably audible only to her slayer hearing, the soft sounds of Faith’s slow breathing and heartbeat. She looked over at Faith deliberately, determinedly, forcing herself to see the mere shell of the girl she had once known.

Faith’s face seemed sunken, smudged and pale, her eyes bruise-like underneath; her cheekbones stuck out sharply. Her hair was lank and flat, and her body was already thinner, losing muscle tone from lack of activity and nutrition adequate for a slayer metabolism. To see her like that- almost like she was already dead- was disturbing.

She looked so wrong, so unnatural… so un-Faith. She looked no better than she had the last time Buffy had seen her, when she’d first been admitted into the hospital… if anything, she looked worse. To see her with no smirk on her face, no mischievous gleam in her eyes, lying unable to move, without strength… Buffy’s lips tightened, and she blinked against sudden tears pricking behind her ears. Faith looked so fragile, so young… she was seventeen years old, and she could die. Or just never wake up at all, always be caught in this suspended state of “living”.

“I didn’t want this,” Buffy nearly whispered, staring wretchedly at Faith’s slackened face. She fought the urge that rose for her to look down at Faith’s abdomen, where she knew the knife scar remained under the hospital blanket and gown. “I never wanted this, Faith… I never wanted to kill you. I never wanted you to die. I never wanted to hurt you at all… god, didn’t that all amount to a big fat nothing.”

She sighed again as her eyes fixated on Faith’s face, finding that though her stomach knotted at the sight of it, she couldn’t seem to look away now.

“Faith… I’ve thought about it a lot. I don’t think I realized just how much until now… I don’t think I even realized I was thinking it. Did you know you could do that, think without realizing you were thinking? I didn’t…” Buffy rambled, more confused now that nervous, working her way through her thoughts out loud. Once she started it didn’t quite so strange to talk to Faith aloud when it was clear that the girl would give her no response. In fact, Buffy was starting to almost like it in a way. It gave her an odd relief, as if she were emptying her uncomfortably full mind to make room for more thought.

“But anyway, I’ve been thinking, Faith… and I don’t think you ever wanted to hurt me either. I really don’t. Willow and Xander might disagree… but I think… I think we got caught up on opposite sides, and, neither of us were thinking clearly. I hurt you, and you hurt me, and we just kept on and on until… until this.”

Buffy’s voice faltered for a moment, and she blinked back fresh tears as she concentrated on steadying her voice.

“You were wrong, what you did, Faith… but I was wrong too. We were wrong. We could have avoided this, we could have avoided all of this…”

She let her voice trail off as she finally took her eyes away from Faith, still concentrating on holding back tears. When she looked over at Faith again her voice was level, and her eyes were dry, but her voice was tentative.

“I-I’m still trying to figure out that dream, Faith. The one where you- you helped me. I don’t know if you had it too, or if it was just me… do you have dreams?”

She waited, watching Faith’s face closely, her heart suddenly speeding in its beats. For a moment she had been sure Faith was about to move, maybe even speak to her…

But she didn’t… the dark-haired girl remained motionless. Buffy felt her heart sink a little, though she couldn’t understand her disappointment. What had she really expected to happen in the first place? They’d said she would never awaken.

“Well,” Buffy went on finally, “even if you didn’t dream that, even if you don’t dream at all… I know you were there, Faith. You helped me. Does that- does that mean you forgive me, that you’re okay with me? Does that mean we’re okay now? I don’t know… but… but I’d like us to be.”

If she ever wakes up, a rude, harsh voice nagged in the back of her mind. If you haven’t killed her…

Looking at Faith with another ragged sigh, Buffy reached for her hand impulsively, wanting to shudder at how cold and limp it felt in hers. Trying to ignore that, she squeezed it tightly, attempting to transfer some of her warmth, her strength, to the other girl. She could just barely feel the tingling sensation of their slayer bond, barely a trickle compared to the strong pulse she had once felt whenever she and Faith touched. This more than anything, the meager remnants of their slayer bond and Faith’s slayer status, was what finally made the tears that had been standing in Buffy’s eyes spill over. She sniffed, wiping them away quickly with her free hand as she continued to hold Faith’s in the other.

“I wish you would wake up, Faithy,” she almost whispered, her voice choked. “I miss you. I even miss things about you I would have thought I’d be glad to never 

see again, things I thought I hated. The way you always smirked at everyone, like you just knew you were the hottest thing around… the way you used to talk about sex all the time to try and shock me. The way you made me feel that it was maybe okay to like slaying sometimes, the way it makes us feel, like we’re invincible or something… more than human. The way you understand like no one else could what it’s like to be us. The way you called me B… god, I miss that so much. I thought I hated that, that and the way you said five by five all the time instead of fine. But now I really miss it, Faith.”

Buffy breathed out slowly, still squeezing Faith’s hand. She placed her other hand over it as well, adjusting her hold on it, so that she was holding it with both hands. She rubbed it with both thumbs, massaging it gently. The hand stayed limp in hers… but had it grown warmer? Buffy watched her closely, but nothing changed in Faith’s expression. It must have been her imagination, or else Buffy’s hands were simply warming Faith’s.

“I need you, Faithy,” she whispered, swallowing. “Not just to help with the slaying… though I won’t deny that would be nice. I don’t need you for that though- I need you. I need you back with me. You’re my sister slayer, Faith… and I miss that, I miss you, more than I would have ever thought possible.”

Still blinking hard against tears, Buffy watched Faith, almost holding her breath… for she could have sworn that she had seen her eyes twitch, had felt her hand squeeze her own back with ever-so-faint pressure…

Her heart beginning to pound, Buffy leaned forward slightly, searching Faith’s features… for nearly ten minutes she waited, watching, hoping, and finally she had to give in. Finally she had to admit that, for today at least, Faith wasn’t going to wake up, wasn’t going to respond to her.

Her breath came out in a shuddery exhalation, and Buffy closed her eyes briefly, her stomach sinking. Giving Faith’s hand one last squeeze, she gently lay it back down at her side, leaning to softly kiss her forehead.



“Bye, Faithy,” she whispered, her voice shaking slightly. “I’ll come back soon, okay?”

Still bent close to Faith’s face, she stroked the young girl’s hair, biting her lip with renewed sorrow at how limp and dull it felt between her fingers. Washing it was probably not a top priority for the hospital staff.

She stood with a reluctance that was more bitter than she would have expected. Now that she had seen Faith again she didn’t want to leave her- couldn’t stand to have that image of her almost lifeless form as her most recent memory of her. But yet, she couldn’t stand to stay any longer, to continue to watch a girl who couldn’t move or speak, who no longer was the vibrant girl Buffy had known and cared for.

She was nearly at the door when she heard it… a change in the sounds of the monitors, followed by a barely audible noise that sounded like a moan.

Buffy pivoted quickly, her eyes widening… her heart leapt into her throat, hammering so hard and fast she almost thought she would choke. For even from the doorway she could see Faith’s limbs twitching slightly, stirring in her bed… and her eyes, her eyes were beginning to move behind their lids.

Another sound came from the girl in the bed, this one slightly louder, though weak. Faith twitched again, and her facial muscles moved, as though she were fighting to awaken.

Buffy barely noticed the gasp that escaped her as she rushed back to the bed, bending over Faith anxiously. Taking up her hand, she began to rub it with hurried but firm pressure, almost sobbing when one of Faith’s fingers moved slightly in her hand.

“Faith… Faith, it’s me, it’s Buffy. Come on, Faith, wake up, come on…”



Faith’s eyes were opening… she blinked several times, opening her eyes, closing them, seeming to struggle each time to open them again. When they at last stayed open they were only partly so, and their pupils were clouded and unfocused, her forehead wrinkled with confusion and grogginess. She seemed to be trying to speak, and having difficulty with her attempts.

“B?” she rasped at last, her voice hoarse, weak, and barely intelligible. “B…”

Her eyes slowly shut, then opened again, and her head moved slightly. Buffy squeezed her hand hard, her other hand going to cradle Faith’s cheek as she nodded, vaguely aware of the tears dripping off her chin.

“It’s me, Faithy,” she choked, “I’m here. I’m right here.”