chapter 20
For the past hour since the three had got into Giles’s car and began the trip back to Sunnydale, there had been almost unbroken silence. Buffy barely noticed it, although she suspected that Giles did and was uncomfortable with it; her mind was working overtime, so full of her confused thoughts, questions, and worries that she doubted she would have been able to push them aside long enough to have a coherent conversation.
She knew also that the long quiet between them was partly derived from the exhaustion felt by all three of them, even Giles. During the nearly full day that Buffy had spent inside Faith’s head- it had seemed a much shorter time to her on the inside than it had been in actuality- he had done nothing but watch her and Faith ceaselessly, waiting. For most of the following day after Faith had first awakened, he also had not slept or rested, though he had urged Buffy to do so. As tired as she was, she had refused not wanting to leave Faith’s side. She was feeling so many emotions, both then and now, that she was certain she couldn’t have slept if she wanted to. And between her physical weariness and also her emotional strain from her experience in Faith’s mind, however, Buffy was exhausted.
After her initial brief awakening, Faith had, as Miriam and Catherine had predicted, drifted in and out of consciousness for the next 24 hours, as the two doctors continued to monitor her, doing so in shifts to allow each other to rest. Giles had offered to do the same with Buffy in regard to sitting with Faith, waiting for her awakenings, but Buffy had declined, and Giles had in turn stayed with her as she stayed with Faith.
In further keeping with the women’s assurances, Faith had with each awakening grown more alert and aware of her surroundings, stayed conscious for a longer period of time. She had hoarsely answered a few of their questions in regard to how she felt (“I don’t know” was the barely audible reply) and whether she was in any pain (“No” had been her response, but it had been very slow in coming). Other than that, however, she had said little, and Buffy had not wanted to pressure her. She suspected that it was painful for Faith to speak, and not only physically. She was still in a state of near awe just hearing Faith speak to her in reality at all, to see her moving and conscious, looking back at her, even if her face was carefully and strangely unreadable…
After Faith had stayed conscious for a half hour with them upon her fifth reawakening, and had even ate a little pudding and drank some water, Catherine told Buffy and Giles that Faith was now fully out of her coma, for her brain waves were showing a normal sleep cycle. She had not, when she closed her eyes, slipped back into a partially comatose state, but rather into regular sleep. Faith was fully out of the woods as far as requiring medical care and monitoring, but with her muscles still weakened and atrophied from her long period of only being moved by others, she would need assistance in getting around and even self-care for some time, until she gained her strength back. Although the nurses in the hospital who had cared for her had turned her often to prevent bed sores, they had not moved her arms and legs for her often enough to keep her from losing her muscle tone. Until she could move on her own easily, she would have to be supported or carried anywhere she would need to go.
As Faith had slept, Buffy and Giles had began to make what arrangements they could in regard to her. They had called Willow and Xander, filling them in on the fact that Buffy had been successful in awakening Faith without filling them in on any details. That time would come later, although how much she would actually tell them, Buffy had not yet decided.
After some careful thought and discussion, the next phone call had gone out to Joyce Summers, Buffy’s mother. It had been decided that, eventually, after more immediate problems were taken care of, and if Joyce was willing, that Faith would stay with her at her home. If or when it got to the point where they thought it would be safe, Buffy would live at home a while to help with her, and to be with her mother, just in case. She had offered with no real optimism to take a leave from her classes until Faith was completely better instead of the week she had already began, but Giles had given her such an annoyed/incredulous look at the suggestion that she knew better than to mention it to her mother.
Upon Buffy’s edited but truthful explanation to her mother of Faith’s past, later crimes, and what she and Giles had done with her, Joyce agreed to allow Faith to stay with them, at least for a little while. She was cautious in her agreement, but also seemed carefully optimistic; she trusted her daughter’s judgment and told her so. Joyce had always liked Faith, Buffy remembered; she had viewed her with the same motherly concern she did Xander and Willow, especially considering her motherless state and determinedly loner-like living style. She had told Buffy before that Faith “has some jagged edges, but is really a sweet girl.” At the time Buffy had been amused by her mother’s description, but now she wondered just how much her mother had seen into Faith from her few meetings with her that Buffy had not seen on a daily basis.
Buffy knew that she would have to explain to her mother about Faith, about the entire situation, in more detail. After all, she was probably taking into her home a girl who had, regardless of her motivations, once aligned herself with a man that wanted to eat the entire town… and yet, she was also a girl with a past and a pain so horrible that Buffy could not stand to keep thinking about it, keep remembering. And yet she felt guilty for her feelings… for how could she say SHE couldn’t stand it, when it had been Faith who LIVED through it?
She and Giles had talked to Catherine and Miriam about what they would need to do to help Faith, both physically and mentally, all the while with Buffy carefully skipping around talking about what had actually happened in Faith’s mind. She knew that, even more so than with the others, she would eventually have to tell Giles what she had seen, at least a little, enough so he could understand. But right now Buffy felt for more than one reason that she couldn’t, and he didn’t ask her. Not only was she anxious to keep from thinking about it, but it also felt somehow to her that if she told Giles what had happened to Faith, what she had seen and felt through Faith’s eyes in her head, that it would somehow be an invasion of Faith’s privacy, a betrayal to her.
Besides… somehow it didn’t seem quite as necessary for her to talk to Giles as it was for her to talk to the others. Somehow Buffy felt that he, unlike they, had already almost known what had come as such a shock for her to see… somehow, she felt that he already nearly understood what it had taken witnessing firsthand for her to comprehend.
When Faith had awakened again a couple of hours later, Giles and Buffy had carefully explained to her the Council’s former and perhaps current issues with her and why they had brought her from her coma in the way that they had. They told her that they would eventually bring her around to stay at Joyce’s, after they figured out how to deal with the issue of the Council and her and everyone else’s safety. Buffy had watched her reaction carefully. Faith had frowned slightly, her brow furrowing in seeming confusion, but she did not comment, asked no questions. Had Buffy not seen a strange flicker in her eyes, once quickly stifled, and a brief twitch of her lips, she would have thought that Faith did not understand her words, or that she had somehow damaged her mind, lost her memory during her coma.
She had been acting like that ever since her second awakening… quiet, strange, as though she were a little out of it- or perhaps half-paralyzed with fear. She barely said anything, barely looked at anyone or anybody- but especially Buffy. It was hard for Buffy to read her, to gauge what she might be thinking or feeling. Did she remember any of what had gone on inside her own mind with Buffy- and if so, how much? Was she behaving this way because of shame, or embarrassment at what she had done, what Buffy now knew about her?But why then did she not react in some way to show that she knew and remembered that Buffy had demonstrated her love and forgiveness for her?
Did she really not remember? Was she confused, still disoriented, or were her memories only partly there? Surely she remembered what had happened before her coma, how she got into it in the first place- or didn’t she? Surely she had guessed that the Mayor’s Ascension had been stopped, that he was now dead… but she did not ask. She didn’t ask anything at all…
Buffy had been dying to find out what Faith was thinking and feeling, what was running through the other girl’s mind. She wanted to know what Faith needed and wanted from her, from everyone… but somehow she felt as if she shouldn’t’ ask, should let Faith come to her herself. She tried to walk a line she was not sure existed, to show Faith her support and forgiveness of her without words or touch, but by her simply staying near her, silently offering her assistance should Faith ask for it. She didn’t want to scare her or alienate her by being too pushy or forward, even by way of affection- for she could not, in this real world, this reality, with the real Faith, know yet how to decipher Faith and what she wanted…
Catherine and Miriam had dressed Faith in their own clothes, getting rid of the hospital gown that made her that much more identifiable. After Buffy and Giles had thanked them for all their help, Buffy had carried Faith, once they were ready, to Giles’s car, buckling her into the backseat. Conscious, Faith had felt even lighter and more fragile to her than she had while in a coma, and Buffy found herself wondering how quickly her slayer strength would help her heal. It was likely that Faith owed her physical survival to it.
Faith had been stiff in her arms even with her lack of control over her limbs, and she somehow seemed to be keeping herself apart from Buffy slightly despite Buffy’s holding her close. Even with the difficulty that Buffy was having reading her now, it was clear that Faith was uncomfortable, tense. The thing was that Buffy didn’t know if this was in reaction to something that had occurred inside her mind, or something else entirely that had occurred before her coma… or possibly a combination of both. God knows it was confusing enough, regardless of what Faith might or might not remember, and Buffy was not sure how to react. It couldn’t be that Faith was afraid of her- or was it? Was she actually afraid that Buffy might hurt her, or wanted to punish her for things she had done in her past?
Buffy just didn’t’ know, couldn’t tell, and she couldn’t find a way to ask. And Faith was by no means telling her.
Buffy had stayed in the backseat with Faith on impulse rather than sitting in the passenger seat next to Giles. She wanted to stay close to her, protect her in whatever way might be needed, even as she carefully kept herself from touching Faith more than was necessary. She was not yet sure whether or not Faith was okay with that- whether Faith was okay with anything.
None of them had spoken very much as Giles started up the car, each preoccupied with his or her own thoughts and worries. In less than twenty minutes, however, Faith’s weariness had caught up with her, and her eyes slid shut, her head lolling heavily towards her chest in an uncomfortable-looking position. Catherine and Miriam had warned Buffy about this; she would need a lot of sleep for a while, as her brain and body worked to heal itself.
Buffy had glanced over at Faith several times, her chest tight, filled with a bittersweetness that she could almost taste. After several minutes of debating, she had found herself leaning to undo Faith’s seatbelt, gently pulling the girl so that her body was leaned against her side, her head pillowed on her shoulder. Faith had stirred but not awakened, her body relaxing against Buffy’s in her sleep, and Buffy had felt her heart move in a way that was both painful and pleasant.
She could see Giles glancing at her in the rearview mirror thoughtfully, his eyes narrowed, but he said nothing… and Buffy gratefully followed his example. She leaned her head against Faith’s slightly, a sigh escaping her as she tried to focus her thoughts on the fact that for now, at least, Faith was awake, she had saved her. For now, at least, Faith was safe…
Later, of course, that would became an issue. Later, Faith might not be safe at all- later, her very presence might mean that none shielding or associating with her were. There were still so many things that were unresolved, so many loose ends that Buffy did not yet know how to tie together.
There was the Council, of course. How would they react when they called the hospital in two days, only to discover that Willow had hacked into their files yesterday and removed all records of Faith having been a patient? Not to mention the spells she had cast on the staff and the Sunnydale cops they had alerted to alter their memories of Faith having ever existed…
They would know immediately that Buffy and Giles were behind it. The question was, how would they respond? Buffy didn’t know… but she was sure they would not quietly let Faith go on with her life. Would they track her down and try to kill her, knowing what she had done with the Mayor? Would they haul her off and attempt to rehabilitate her, Council-style? Or did they have something else in mind?
And what about Buffy and Giles, what were they going to do to them? For surely they would be enraged at their interference with the Council’s plans for Faith…
And of course, there was Faith herself. What was going on with her, now? How much did she know, how much did she remember? Did she still need some form or rehabilitation, or would she eventually be okay, with their support? Therapy was probably a good idea, but the chances of her agreeing to that and them finding a therapist she could actually share her slayer status with… close to negative ten.
Faith had said so much to her in her mind, things Buffy knew she would never forget… but two things in particular kept edging their way into her thoughts. One was that Faith had seemed to indicate to her that she knew already the Council’s plans for her. Did that mean she had been aware of what she said around her while comatose- and if so, did she remember it? Did she remember the things Buffy had said to her… did she remember that Buffy had told her she loved her?
Where did she and Faith stand now? Did Faith still want her, still hope for her attention and affection, crave it the way she had in her memories? Even if she did, was she willing to admit and act on it? Was Buffy- was she ready for something like that, to be in a relationship so strange and different from any she’d ever known- a relationship with FAITH, of all people?!
Could that ever even work out at all between them? What would people say, what would they think if Buffy was suddenly gay- gay with FAITH?! Even her friends- no, ESPECIALLY her friends. And her mom…
Did Buffy care what they would say? No… not really, she decided quickly, but did Faith? Was Faith even capable of being in any kind of relationship after what had been done to her as a child? Could someone ever really love if she herself had never been loved?
And then there was the other thing… inside her mind, Faith had said she wanted to die, that she deserved to. Did any part of her still feel that way? What if that slowed her healing, or somehow put her in danger that Buffy could not protect her from?
No! No, she wouldn’t let it… she couldn’t let it. Whatever else happened, Buffy was going to keep Faith alive… even if the person she had to save Faith from was Faith.
Sighing slowly again, she concentrated on relaxing her tensed muscles, focusing on the solid, warm weight of Faith at her side, the softness of her hair under her cheek. She tried to focus only on this, only on the fact that right now, at this moment, Faith was pressed up close to her, and she was okay. For right now at least, Buffy had triumphed. Whatever the next day or even the next hour brought, she would deal with it then.
End
Author notes: I am definitely planning a sequel, I am trying to plot it out right now. So… any suggestions for it at all are appreciated. Suggestions for dealing with the problems of the Council, any other mentioned issues I addressed in this chapter are much appreciated as I’m still figuring them out myself. Also any scenes/occurrences you would like to happen as well in the sequel would be great too! Thank you for reading!
