Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters.

A Letter to My Sons

Summary: Dawn and Faith are helping Dean and Sam clean Bobby’s attic for a yard sale and they find a letter to Sam from John. This takes place after ‘In my Time of Dying’: John is dead, ‘All hell Breaks Loose 2’: Yellow- Eyes has been killed, and ‘Dream a Little Dream of Me’.

Faith was with Dean. He was the one. It was strange, but she just knew that she loved him. One day he was one of her best friends, and the next she just felt different. She couldn’t explain it. Then, she just knew she loved him. She was so busy thinking, she didn’t realize that he was staring at her.

“Hey beautiful.” Dean said his voice scratchy from the dust in Bobbies’ attic. She looked up at him and smiled.

“Hey back.” She said. Faith looked over to the antique dresser. “Look there is something with Sam’s name on it sticking out of the dresser.” Dean looked at the envelope. “That’s my dad’s handwriting.” Dean whispered.

Sam and Dawn had been on the other side of the attic trying to steal some private time. They had found an old brass bed and were laying on it. He could feel her lips on his, her tongue tracing his mouth; he felt silky brown locks around his fingers, her hand combing his hair. He could feel as Dawn moved her lips slowly from his, along his jaw, down his neck Sam’s hand rose, sliding up Dawn’s back, under her shirt. Her skin was as hot as a mug of cocoa. Dawn’s hands had begun working his shirt over his head. Sam heard Dean bellow…

“Sammy! Get over here dad left you a letter.” Dean called wanting to know what John had written.

Sam smiled at Dawn, “I reserve the right to finish what we started later.”

Dawn replied with a wicked gleam in her eye, “Maybe with whip cream, but in a real bed at the motel.”

Sam and Dawn reached the front of the attic where Dean and Faith stood with the letter.

“Sam, dad addressed it to you, but I would like you to read it aloud.” Dean said.

The girls looked at one another, “Should we leave?” They asked.

“Of course not you're family!” Sam and Dean replied together. Sam opened the letter and began.

Dear Sam,

It was all because of pride. It’s strange that I should chalk my stubborn stupidity up to something as mundane as that, and perhaps even in this observation I am misguided.

My thoughts are restless this night, the wind whipping the gaunt trees outside keep me awake, and give me time I would otherwise not take to dwell on my many failings as a father. I cannot believe I am actually admitting to failure of any kind, for failure in the Winchester family means admitting defeat, and I John Winchester have never been defeated, well almost never that yellowed eyed bastard that took Mary from doesn’t count is living on borrowed time.

There it is again, that bullheadedness that always seems to take me unawares, something I can't seem to control or contain, for even my final confession and apology to you boys is shadowed with it. Moving toward the window I stare in to the bleakness of night, and somehow it seems fitting, echoing the starkness of my own heart. Your mother’s voice accuses me in my soul of being cold-hearted, cold and distant like a storm about ready to release its fury. I'm certain she is right; I didn’t raise you as sons, but as soldiers. Now her reproaches are empty, for she too is gone, lost to me as surely as you and Dean are. How many years I wasted in disapproval, never trusting your judgment, viewing you as someone I could mold into what I thought the Winchester name should exemplify the perfect hunters?

How I regret those lost years as you and Dean grew into men, never being the father you deserved and longed for. I was off hunting or drinking. I couldn't give you peace or acceptance in life, and I hope by writing letter to you boys I can offer them to you in death. I tried, my sons! I wanted you to be prepared when that horrible demon came a calling. I hoped Dean could find a way to free from the dreadful problem (visions) that afflicted you. If only I had been successful in vanquishing the demon, perhaps we might have gathered the splintered remnants of our relationship and tried to fit them together. As it is, I failed you even in this.

As your father I should have protected you from the cruel reality of life, should have sheltered you against the evil that plagued your mother and took her from us, but I too was blind with hate and resentment that Mary was gone. I trained my boys to be soldiers to fight monsters; and never treated them like my children, but as part of my platoon. How I despise myself for leaving you boys! I shall never forgive myself Sam for turning you into a man who resents his life choices and Dean into weapon, but by giving my life for Dean I hope you both understand that I have loved you always. Remember boys live life to the fullest for you and Mary and me.

Your Father,

John Winchester

Sam thought about the last time he spoke with John,” I’m sorry the last time I was with him I tried to pick a fight. I’m sorry that I spent most of my life angry at him. For all I know he died thinking that I hate him… I miss him man” Sam realized there was wetness on his cheeks and hastily dragged his sleeve across his face, Dean couldn’t know he was crying, was losing it.

“We should get back to work.” Faith said gently.

In that one moment Faith saw Dean, the tough exterior he used to protect himself melted away. This was the Dean who missed his father like hell. He couldn’t let himself cry, afraid of what might happen if he let himself lose control like that day he crow bared the Impala right after John died and he was released from the hospital .

The hopelessness and anguish in Dean and Sam’s eyes was enough to split Dawn’s heart in two.

Dean leaned on the antique dresser, eyes closed, looking much older than his twenty seven years. Sam felt guilty.
Then it hit Sam how alone they really were. His parents were both dead. It was just him, Dean and the Impala. No! Not anymore now they had Faith and Dawn.

Sam tapped Dean’s shoulder as tucked the letter back into the envelope. “Let’s call it a day and take our family to dinner and a movie.” Dean smiled and agreed. They took Faith and Dawn by the hand and left to live life to the fullest.

Carpe Diem Seize the Day!


Author’s Note: This is my first ficlet with John Winchester. I think he is a complex character to capture. What's the verdict?