Title: All I Want for Christmas….(2003 Secret Santa Fic for Teri)


Author: lisa roquin (Lisa)


Rating: 13


Archive: Teri of course has permission to put it on her site if she wants. TtH, My list files-- http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lisascribbles/ .


Feedback: Sure! lisascribble @ yahoo. com, on list, at TtH, whatever :)


Summary: Loki's loose and at it again. What's more he's done it before. Add one Scooby, one teenaged clone, one P.O'ed Colonel, the rest of the SG-1 gang (with the usual SGC extras), a couple Ascended beings, aliens, a foursome of genetically engineered 12 yr olds. And the Tok'ra have a problem--with Aurelius. Stir. Voila. Xander's real family challenge response in a very insane way. :)


Warning: a handful of bad words, utter insanity. far-fetched silliness meant to be fun.


Disclaimer:All copyrighted characters and their respective universes are the property of their creators, authors, writers, production companies, publishers etc. Quite simply if you recognize it, it is in no way shape or form mine. This is purely for entertainment. No money made.

Story Notes (timelines/AU-ish points): BtVS--canon through season finale. SG-1--canon through Fragile Balance. Daniel's descended, mini-Jack exists. AU point for nitpickers--yes, I know there isn't a conference room that has a view of the gate room on the series, but--it works. kay? AtS-- Cordelia's Ascended. Connor exists. That's all ya need to know. On Loki's experiments: a) I'm not a geneticist or scientist of any sort. On the premise that his experiments can make a full grown clone in a few hours and alien advanced technology Loki's mad scientist experiments are possible. b) This is meant to be outrageous and fun. Hopefully I succeeded at least slightly.



Author's note: Merry Christmas, Teri, and I hope you enjoy!



Apologies to all, I did truly try to write a short one shot. Honest--I did. Please do not give Jinni grief for my uncooperative muses. I cut and fought and did everything I could to keep this short. If anyone truly has to complain that this is too long--complain to me. I wrote it, and did try to keep it short.








**LOKI!!!! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR LITTLE GRAY BUTT!!!**



PX3-009Y



Trees. Trees. More trees. And lookee over here-- even more trees. Jack O'Neill was bored. There weren't even natives trying to kill them. The wild life all tended to be small critters--burrowing, cave-dwelling, boring little critters. Rabbits and hedgehog type things for the most part. No real big predators. Oh, something that looked like a purple--yeah, purple--wolverine. And a few packs of very feral Chihuahua-sized wild dogs. Nasty little bouggers. But well, little, and like most wild things weren't interested in trying to take down something so much bigger than them if it wasn't a threat. What the little wild-Chihuahua’s had done to the family of tabby-cat sized pig-things was horrific though. Those little things were nasty.



Carter was going ape over her initial findings. Of course, it all had to be taken back and confirmed in the lab but she was just on cloud nine. Rocks looked promising mineral wise, which was odd since there were only a few signs of mining and the signs of human, Jaffa or anything remotely humanoid occupancy of any sort were minimal and ancient. A half built temple that had Danny going ga-ga over. Zing, Ping, Dingaling--whatever. Jack didn't remember what the Goa'uld's name was. But it was one that wasn't familiar. Teal'c had heard of the snake. He'd been something back in the day, then he crossed Ra and Apophis both. Some connection to Anubis possibly since the sigils were similar. Jack didn't know. Didn’t care. Carter was ga-ga over her rocks and dirt. Daniel was just nutso over his rocks and dirt. It was hot, humid and there was nothing but trees. There weren't even birds to watch for crying out loud. And to top it off it looked like a storm was rolling in.




~*~*~



Storm. Yeah, it was a storm alright. Noah-get-your-Ark-kind-of-storm. Lightning, flash flooding, falling trees, hellish straight winds and even what had to be a twister or two.



"THE CLIMATE MUST HAVE DETERRED NAQUADAH MINING!" Carter shouted. She and Daniel were trying to carry on a conversation over the howling winds in their rather shoddy shelter, more a rock over hang than a cave on high ground. Trying to stay awake. Forty-eight hours of non-stop storm, they hadn't slept. Hadn't dared to.



"YA THINK?" Jack bellowed over the howling winds glaring at the drenched Major. He felt bad for being such an ass, but that comment was just too much for his own exhausted miserableness. They were all soaked and exhausted to the bone. Carter was just trying to distract herself from their miserable condition and even worse outlook. The water was still rising and they didn't have any other shelter available. The gate was submerged by a flash flood. There looked to be no end in sight of this storm. Sleep was impossible, couldn't risk it. Hypothermia was a given, in fact it was a reality already.



"SHIIIT!!!" Daniel shouted as the lightning struck directly in front of their overhang, close enough to hurt their eyes and for them to feel the heat of it.



"I CONCUR, DANIELJACKSON! SHIT!"



They all laughed at Teal'c's comment. Even the ever stoic Jaffa had a slightly manic smile. SG-1 had never gone down without a fight and not this time either. The laughter was more than a bit hysterical but they weren't dead yet, and they weren't going out bickering and bawling.



**FLASH**



The soaked, shuddering with exhaustion and cold group landed in a heap on the metal floor. They took a minute to process what had just happened. One minute they'd been waiting for death--by floodwaters, mudslide, lightning or hypothermia, the how part being the only question, the when seemed inevitable and sooner rather than later. The next moment they were here.



"O'Neill, are you well?" the child-sized gray being blinked it's eyes at SG-1



"THOR! Buddy! Great timing." Jack managed to grin through chattering teeth. "Towels, blankets, dry clothing? We desperately need all of the above."



"Of course, O'Neill." Thor blinked a few times. "This way."



~*~*~



Clean, dry, warm and more than a little confused by the SGC issue supplies which included those crinkly annoying silver space blankets that NASA sent over to the SGC. Heck Thor even had a supply of MRE's laid in. Cold MRE's were worse than hot MRE's but even cold an improvement over Asgard food.



"Are you feeling better, O'Neill?"



"Yeah." Jack nodded, speaking for all of them. "Not that we don't really appreciate you pulling our fat outta the fire like ya did--"



Thor was blinking at him. Head cocked to the side slightly, just blinking rapidly.



"It's an expression, Thor, means you saved our butts. Thanks. We appreciate it. Just a bit confused at the SGC issue gear and you showing up."



Thor nodded. "I went to the Tau'ri SGC to speak with you. You were overdue from a mission. I came to find you because it is imperative I discuss this with you, O'Neill. Especially after you wished to keep the clone alive I assumed you would be most displeased if any course of action was taken without consultation."



"Tho-or?" Jack drawled out raising an eyebrow.



"Loki has escaped from his confinement. In trying to track him we discovered one of his hidden laboratories..."



"Thor--I'm really not liking where I am thinking this is heading."



Thor blinked. And blinked some more. If it were possible for a Asgard to look worried, Thor was looking worried at the moment. And you'd definitely been around aliens too long when you could tell Asgard moods from the way they were blinking. Or maybe been around Danny too long with all his cultural interactions rambling.



"I regret to inform you, O'Neill, that Loki used genetic material from you in other experimentation."



"Used genetic material--how?" Jack asked dangerously.



"Not only you, but Major Carter, Teal'c, Daniel Jackson and Dr. Fraiser as well."



"How," Jack nearly growled.



Thor blinked.



Jack had a very bad feeling about how worried and sheepish that blinking seemed.



"Yes. How?" Daniel demanded.



"Ditto" Sam Carter frowned.



"I too wish to know what was done with the utmost expediency" Teal'c said in a quiet icy tone that had Thor blinking even faster.



"Tho-or" Jack snarled.



"I think it easier if I show you"



**flash**



Four kids were standing there. A caramel skinned girl with dark blonde hair and blue eyes. A boy that looked a lot like Jack and Mini-Jack, looked almost as much like Daniel too, and had Daniel's blue eyes. A redheaded boy, also with Daniel's blue eyes. The final boy had Teal'c's size--or at least a good start on it if he was supposed to be the same age as the other three--tawny skinned not as dark as the girl, but not as pale as the other two boys, sandy hair and dark eyes, somehow managing to resemble first Janet, then Sam, then Daniel, then Jack, then Teal'c depending from the angle you looked at the boy and the expression on his face.



"Start talking, Thor" Jack glared.



"These beings are the result of the experiments that Loki conducted with your genetic material as the base for all four of them"



"So he started with my genetics and made DNA cocktails and made kids?"



"Yes, O'Neill" Thor said sounding guilty and relieved. "It is most unfortunate, and when Loki is captured we will deal with him accordingly"



"When Loki's captured you bring his butt to me cause I'm going to kick the crap outta him" Jack Snarled.



"I shall assist" Teal'c said tightly.



"You aren't throttling that little nutcase without me" Sam growled.



"Or me. And Jan will have all our heads if we leave her out." Daniel said furiously.



Thor was blinking faster than Jack had ever seen before. " All four are aged to approximately one dozen Tau'ri years. The female was created with a combination of O'Neill, Major Carter and Teal'c's DNA. The smallest male was made with DNA from O'Neill and Daniel Jackson. The red-haired male was made from DNA belonging to O'Neill, Dr. Fraiser, and Daniel Jackson. The largest male was created with DNA from Dr. Fraiser, Teal'c, Major Carter, Daniel Jackson and yourself O'Neill. The combination of your DNA and Daniel Jackson's is quite intriguing, O'Neill. All three of the male specimens have a unique sequence to their DNA that our scientists have never seen remotely similar to before."



"THOR THESE ARE KIDS!!!!" Jack bellowed. "They’re not specimens THEY"RE KIDS FOR CRYIN OUT LOUD!!!"



"These are the results of Loki's experiments. I thought it best you decide what is to be done with the subjects. The Asgard High Council wanted to --"



"Enough! I don't want to know. Take us and our kids home. And Loki's ass is mine, you got that, Thor!"



"O'Neill, there is something else you should know. There are records that show Loki has conducted experiments with your DNA in the past. Impregnating at least one earth woman with your genetic material."



"WHAT!!"



"The only viable result of that we have found is the live birth of a male in 1980--though Loki seems to have lost the location of that male, at least his records are incomplete."



"FIND MY KID, THOR, OR YOUR BUTT'S GETTING KICKED ALONG WITH LOKI'S"



"I shall make every effort, O'Neill" Thor agreed quickly. "I take it you wish to keep these specimens as well."



"Ya think? Hell, yes, we're gonna keep our kids." Jack snarled. DNA cocktail grown with Asgard cloning technology or not. Those were their kids.





**Just How Do You Propose We Explain *This* To the Pentagon, Colonel?**




George Hammond stared.



His briefing room was pure chaos with SG-1, Dr. Fraiser and their Asgard-engineered combined offspring. SG-1 and Dr. Fraiser were trying to agree on names for the children.



Hammond had visions of the phone conversation he was going to have to make to Washington when this was sorted. Carter's mother was Catherine. Jack's was Mary Kathleen. And they all seemed to think Shau're and Dray'auc deserved some honorific. He could only stare as this group of misfit crackpots bickered.



Well, now he had at least names to give the Pentagon for the children. Sha'ra'ac Kathryn Carter O'Neill's name was declared first. Nicholas Charles Jackson O'Neill's name was settled upon quickly after that. Janet glared Jack and Daniel into submission and the redheaded boy was soon Remy Daniel Jonathan Fraiser Jackson O'Neill. Jacob Bra'tac Francis Melbourne Louis Carter Fraiser Jackson O'Neill was the impossible name reached for the child that--Heaven help the boy--carried the DNA of all five of these lunatics. As soon as the names agreed upon the children were immediately by unspoken agreement nicknamed Sha'ra, Nicky, Remy, and Jake.



"Colonel!" Hammond interrupted sharply. "We can determine custody arrangements later right now I need the debrief on PX3-009Y and subsequent rescue by Thor. "



"Yeah, want to have this done before Thor brings my other kid" Jack agreed.



"WHAT?" Hammond bellowed.



"Loki did this before, back in 1980. I got a 23 year old kid out there somewhere. Thor went to find him. Loki lost track of him when his mom moved or something. I did get from Thor that he was born in Los Angeles."



"Colonel O'Neill, am I to understand that you ordered an alien to kidnap a citizen of the United States and bring them to one of the most top secret facilities on this planet?" Hammond said incredulously.



"Er, well...it sounds pretty bad when you put it that way, sir," Jack hedged. "But, well, yeah."



"Colonel O'Neill, do I even have to begin telling you how irresponsible, dangerous and ILLEGAL that was?"



"Sir,--"



"Major Carter?" Hammond turned his glare on SG-1's 2iC. "Is there anything that you can possibly add to defend that? Violations of National Security. A CIVILIAN here at the SGC--"



"Uh--"



"Dr. Jackson, I meant a Civilian civilian as in a member of the general population not one of our highly specialized Civilian personnel who've been background checked and gotten security and--"



"Are you sayin my kid's gonna be some kinda criminal?"



"COLONEL" Hammond glared. "You asked an alien to kidnap a civilian resident of this country and bring them to the SGC!!!"



"In the Colonel's defense, sir, none of us were thinking clearly or rationally. The storm was deadly, sir, without Thor there is no way we could have survived it. Then Thor showed us the kids and told us what Loki had done. The Asgard High Council wanted to terminate the experiments." Sam spoke up not-quite-pleadingly.



"They were gonna kill our kids. Damn straight I want them all accounted for!" Jack burst in.



"Sir, you're not helping" Sam glared at Jack.



"I understand the sentiment, but you asked an alien to kidnap a civilian resident of the United States and bring this young man to the SGC. How on earth is that going to impact this young man? Hell, how are we going to explain this one to the Pentagon, Colonel?" Hammond glared. "Send a case or two of cigars to Washington with the note--It's four boys and a girl from SG1?" Upon seeing the amused speculation that appeared in O'Neill's eyes, Hammond quickly added, "DON'T YOU DARE, COLONEL!"





**I knew I shouldn't have gone by Roswell.**



Xander Harris was driving down the highway, muttering in time to the music from the radio. He gave a glare in the rear view mirror at the cursed sword in the back seat. Faith needed it to dismember some oogly-boogly that the current Hellmouth's denizens were trying to raise. Not that it was a done deal that the oogly-boogly was making a jailbreak from hell yet, but just to be on the safe side---good old Xander got sent to LA. Yay, joy. Deadboy with extra-angst. The only good thing had been it had been rather fun to see both Spike and Connor driving Deadboy out of his gourd.



The flash of light zapped him as he was driving through the desert of New Mexico.



"WHAT THE HELL!!" Xander stared. It was a little gray--thing. A freaking Roswell Gray Alien. "Where's the exit! I want off this ride now!"



"I am afraid that is impossible. O'Neill has demanded that you be brought to him." the little gray thing said. "O'Neill is still quite upset over the incident regarding the other experiments. We shall be there momentarily. Colorado is not far."



"Only I would get abducted by an alien and taken to Colorado. On my way to Cleveland no less. SHIT! The sword that was in the truck with me."



"I am afraid the vehicle went off the road and exploded--."



"Turn this thing around get that sword and take me to Cleveland."



"I am afraid that is impossible--"



"I'm soo kicking your little gray butt if you don't, bug eyes!"



"Yes, you are indeed the correct one," Thor nodded to himself. "Your possessions were brought with you--it was only the vehicle itself that was destroyed."



"ONLY!!" Xander glared. "That was only a four-year-old Ram club cab! It's not even completely paid for yet! State Farm doesn't cover 'my truck was blown up by ET' ya know!!"



Thor blinked. "What is your name, O'Neill?"



"My name isn't O'Neill!" Xander yelled. "It's Harris. Xander Harris. And you blew up my truck!"



"You are definitely an O'Neill, XanderHarrisO'Neill."



"I am not an O'Neill"



"Yes, you most certainly are."



**FLASH**



"Will you quit with the zappy-flashy-teleporty thing already!!" Xander shouted looking about his new surroundings. He was in some sort of conference room overlooking a large room with a ramp and some weird big metal circle.



There was a man somewhere in his sixties, bald and looked really familiar..."You're Sam Finn's dad!" And a Major General by the uniform. Reddish haired woman in a Major's uniform. Four in fatigue-style uniforms. Gray haired guy that was probably 50ish, a blonde woman, thirty-something guy with glasses, huge black guy with a gold tattoo on his head. Four kids. "And you are soooo not your average homo sapien there big fella" Xander snorted then turned back to the little gray thing. "Soddin military wankers!" he shouted. Spike's usual description of the military seemed a bit better than what Xander was actually thinking at the moment considering the presence of the four kids. "I get abducted by some blinking little gray dude who belongs in a weather balloon over Roswell, you blow up my freaking truck! And we're at a freaking military base! MILITARY! Soooo not of the good, you little idiot--or do you get your kicks outta being dissected? What the hell is this place. You soldier boys NID? Well, they'll come looking for me and they'll take out this base just as damn sure as they did the Initiative base in Sunnydale! Do you idiots ever learn your lesson? Wasn't coming within five minutes of ending the world with your Frankenstein demon enough? And somebody is sooooo replacing my truck ET here blew up!"



~*~



"You know my daughter?" George Hammond managed. The young man that appeared with Thor was--quite unexpected. Hammond didn't know what he expected Jack O'Neill's son to be like, but his reactions to the situation were certainly--unexpected. Appearance wise...well, yes, not too far off what might be imagined for Jack O'Neill's son. Curling dark hair, shaggily falling just past his collar, dark eye, the other eye covered with an eye patch, roughly 6'1" and well built.



"Yeah. Helluva fighter."



"How do you know her?" Hammond frowned.



"Riley dated Buffy"



"And that makes sense how?" Jack demanded.



"Riley is my son-in-law" Hammond said unhappily.



The young man snorted. "Still haven't forgiven him huh? Last time I talked to Ri he said his father-in-law hated his guts still cause of how ya met him."



"How was that?" Daniel asked puzzled. While Hammond could certainly go off nuclear on occasion hating wasn't quite in line with what he knew of the General over the last few years with few exceptions--starting with Senator Kinsey.



"According to Riley first time he talked to Sam's dad was on the phone basically saying 'you don't know me but I married your daughter three weeks ago and she's now in critical condition from a top-secret mission on which I led us into an ambush'"



Daniel looked at the thin line Hammond's lips were pressed into. The man did seem to despise his son-in-law if that expression was any indication.



"Ouch," Jack murmured. He could just imagine how that went over with Hammond who thought the world revolved around his daughters and granddaughters.



"You know about the NID?" Sam stared. "And what do you mean Teal'c isn't--uh..."



"NID--black ops X-files does not exist shadow group of psychopaths operate out of Area 51. Fund little nutso science experiments that make the Nazi's look like Mr. Rogers or Captain Kangaroo."



"Sounds about right," Jack nodded. "But how do you know that?"



"They set up shop in my hometown and tried to use a couple friends of mine for lab rats" Xander shot back. "Now what is this place? What is goin on here? Why did Roswell there kidnap me? AND WHO"S PAYING FOR MY TRUCK!! I LIKED THAT TRUCK! FIRST DECENT VEHICLE I OWNED LESS THAN FIFTEEN YEARS OLD AND AN ALIEN BLOWS IT UP!!! IT WASN'T EVEN PAID FOR YET!!!"



"Why do you think Teal'c isn't human?" Sam demanded again.



"Uh--duh much?" Xander snorted. "Haven't survived as long as I have without having a bit of oogly-boogly radar? At least when it comes to the ones that aren’t' bothering to mask what they are. He is soooo not completely human."



"I am Jaffa." Teal'c said. "Are you a warrior, O'Neill's Son?"



The young man blinked. "Oh--Goddess!" He looked out the window of the conference room. "Big Metal Ring with funky runes..." he murmured then turned to face the group around the table again "BLOODY EFFIN HELL!!!" he bellowed. "You're one of the JiffyPeanutButter dudes the Hellsnakes cooked up...That's---GODS ABOVE AND BELOW THATS AN EFFIN CHOPPY-EYE RING! WHAT ARE YOU FROOT LOOPS DOING HERE?"



"You know about the goa'uld?" Daniel asked eyes wide.



"A'rethi demons legend. Gahld Hellsnakes. Them and their Jiffy armies took over in Egypt about 12,000 years ago. One of the few human-demon alliances that ever turned out good. The Gahld Hellsnakes were driven through their Choppyeye ring and banished. The Choppyeye was buried forever--supposedly, but looking at that I'd say that's a big fat NOT"



"DEMONS?" Jack bellowed.



"You're sitting next to a JiffyPeanutButter dude and the Roswell Refugee there owes me a damn truck! You're wiggin over there really being demons?"



"I am not a refugee, Son of O'Neill. I am Thor, High Commander of the Asgard Fleet," Thor said blinking rapidly a bit insulted it seemed.



"Color me impressed---NOT. You blew up my truck. And I've still gotta get that sword to Cleveland to Faith or the worlds gonna end--again. When is it someone else's turn to stop the Apocalypse? Why me? Why? Goddess, what did I ever do to deserve this crap...It's always me. Always the freakin Zeppo. Always get stuck with all the crap. Xan go to LA get the sword from Deadboy. Gotta play nice with Deadboy to get the damn sword. Head back to Cleveland--a freaking Gray blows up my truck and I'm zapped to a Military base with a Choppyeye and a Jiffy!"



"Actually it's Chappa'ai.." Daniel began, eager to hear the A'rethi legend, but was cut off by the klaxon's sounding.




**And it just keeps getting worse...**




"OFFWORLD ACTIVATION!! OFFWORLD ACTIVATION!!" blared through the base with the not-quiet siren blaring.



"Off world...soooo not of the good" Xander muttered to himself staring through the window down at the gate room.



~*~



"It's the Tok'ra, sir." came over the little intercom on the conference table.



"Open the Iris, Sergeant," Hammond said.



"Oh goddess, a freaking controlled vortex" the young man murmured.



"It's a wormhole," Sam Carter spoke up. "It cuts through hyper-"



"Whatever..." The young man stared down.



Jack stood and moved to the window to look down at the 'Gate room. “It’s Jake, aw crap--he's got Anise with him"



"Uh!" Janet Fraiser gasped in surprise as two glowing Ascended beings appeared in human guise.



"Xander! Ick! Where did you get that shirt. You look like some redneck construction worker in that outfit! Ewww. Plaid Flannel?"



"Glad to see being dead hasn't changed you a bit Cordy, and Helloo! It's December. Not in Southern California here. Cold, snow. And I am a construction worker" Xander turned his attention to the glowing women. "Why are you here?"



"Oh! That's nice. Haven't seen you since I died and you act like that?"



"You know one of the Ascended?" Jack blinked at his newfound son.



"Yeah, I dated Cordy in High school. Back when she was still human."



"As opposed to Ascended?" General Hammond frowned.



"As in before she got demonized to keep the visions from the PTB from killing her. She was Deadboy's Seer for a while."



"Why did I even ask," Hammond muttered, shaking his head. "He is definitely your son, Colonel."



"Hellloooo! Insulted here!" Cordelia snapped.



"Well sorry, Cordelia. I’m having a really crappy day. ET blew up my truck. I'm at a military base with a Choppy-Eye that ET brought me too after BLOWNG UP MY TRUCK and kidnapping me. Excuse me for not feeling like listening to the fashion report from the glowing squid girl."



"Huh, what crawled up your butt and died?" Cordelia huffed. "Oh god---don't tell me you went and got possessed again..."



"No, I didn't get possessed again," Xander glared. "I thought you all-knowing glowing squids knew everything."



"Oh just shut up and listen a minute--you weren't supposed to be here--"



"DUUUHH!!" Xander shouted.



"But since you are the PTB decided you should stay..."



"No--no way" Xander shook his head.



"Yes way, you don't have a choice, world endage and all that, you know the drill." Cordelia shrugged. "Starting with the tacky-snakes on their way in here."



"Why me.." Xander muttered.



"Tacky Snakes...I like that" Jack grinned. "You're okay for a glowing squid girl"



"Colonel," Hammond said warningly.



"Why me, Cordy?" Xander repeated.



"Oompaloompa here won't tell me that," Cordelia shrugged pointing in Oma Desala's direction.



Jack choked.



"Please, please, don't tell me I'm getting stuck with a visions gig"



"No, no visions. Just aliens."



"Joy," Xander snarked.



The Airman that knocked on the door was summarily shoved out of the way as the Anise forced her way into the conference room.



"Omigod...I mean ewww. What the hells kinda outfit is that?" Cordelia gaped at Anise.



"Cordelia!" Oma Desala scolded her latest protégé, exasperated.



Janet and Sam both started coughing.



"Sam? You want to introduce--"Jack asked trailing off.



The coughing fits subsided in record time. "Sir?"



"Jacob...uhm, Loki did it again. He took DNA samples monkeyed around with Asgard cloning techniques to make a whole new person..." Jack smiled. "Also monkeyed around back 20 odd years ago and was trying some sort of selective breeding program via artificial insemination--this is my son from that."



Xander raised an eyebrow.



"He's telling the truth. I'd claim him. He's better than the dickhead your mom's married to," Cordelia shrugged.



"Oookay--guy that ended up being a Colonel and evidently some kinda special skills to be at a place like this...but why the hell would mom been a candidate? Unless I'm adopted--I could live with that..."



"Nah, your mom's your mom" Cordelia shook her head.



"The female was chosen for latent genetic markers." Thor piped up hesitantly, almost distractedly. His attention focused on studying O'Neill's unusual son.



"Latent is right the only thing Xan's mom is remarkable for is how much vodka she can down and still stand up." Cordelia snorted.



"Ya got that right," Xander agreed.



"Your name is--Xan?" Jacob Carter frowned.



Xander shook his head. "Xander Harris."



"Xander?" Jacob repeated.



"Short for Alexander, which telemarketers and the IRS are the only people who actually use that. I hate Alexander. I do not answer to Alexander."



"These four are more recent--Thor..."



"Just before the incident with the clone, O'Neill" Thor offered.



"Okay, going by DNA cocktails...this is Sha'ra'ac Kathryn Carter O'Neill. Me, Teal'c and Carter's daughter. This is Nicholas Charles Jackson O'Neill. Me and Danny's son. This is Remy Daniel Jonathan Fraiser Jackson O'Neill--Me Danny and Janet's son. And this is Jacob Bra'tac Francis Melbourne Louis Carter Fraiser Jackson O'Neill. Who is Me, Carter, Danny Teal'c's and Janet's son. Sha'ra, Nicky, Remy and Jake."



Xander studied the four kids closely for the first time. "Three little brothers and a baby sister...Co-ool." he smiled at the uneasy looking kids. “Gonna have to keep my axe sharpened better though. Guys are going to be lining up at the door over you little sis."



"Ya know, my axe still has to be in LA. I should get it for her...I mean you're the only guy I went out with more than twice still alive...she’s practically family. It's a shame to let a weapon like my axe just sit and be wasted. It's too heavy for Fred, and the guys all think it's too girly and too light. Be perfect for your sister when I bet."



"You dated a girl who owned an axe?" Jack stared. "Like a....battle axe?"



"Yeah," Xander nodded.



"Actually, military base brings back memories. Probably our best date."



"Yeah, probably."



"Why would a military base--"Sam frowned.



"Double date--me and Cordy and Wills and Oz. Broke into military base and stole a handheld grenade launcher. Senior Year." Xander smiled at the memory, then frowned.



"You're the only guy I went out with more than twice still alive. In fact I think you and Wes are the only two guys I dated ever still alive. Well, except Angel, but he's not exactly alive."



"What we get I survived Cordelia medals or something?" Xander cut her off with a snort, and received a nasty glare in return.



"Am I to understand--you broke into a military base...how old are you?"



"I was 17, not quite 18 when we broke into the base. High school Senior. Wills was 17, Cordy and Oz 18"



"And you wish their assistance on this matter?" Anise huffed, glaring at Jacob Carter.



"And your so much more advanced and superior?" Xander snorted.



"The Tok'ra are far beyond such a primitive society as yours."



"Huh...really...and ya still can't come up with implants that don't look like floatation devices."



Sam squeaked. Janet nearly choked.



"Ooo, Xander, way to channel you're inner bitch." Cordelia hooted.



"XanO'Neill, mind what you speak of in the presence of your sister." Teal'c said with a rather suspicious amused tic at the corner of his mouth.



"Ooops," Xander smiled sheepishly.



"Dr. Fraiser, will you take the children and Mr.--Harris--was it to the Infirmary?" Hammond said.



"Nope. Not no way, Jose. Nope not this guy. Sooooo not going anywhere near medical facilities connected to the military. Uh uh. I've seen the shit you guys do. We took out the Initiative for hells sake. Uh uh. Nope. Not me. Not happening." Xander shook his head.



"Son, I give you my word, on my Sam's life, that you will not be experimented on." Hammond said, not quite believing this entire day was happening, but this was SG1. Of currently 23 SG-teams, SG-1 was the oldest continuously active team, and the most unique. Quite frankly the four of them were a group of lunatics who had been 'snaked' (as O'Neill put it), cloned, time-traveled, Ascended, descended, died numerous times (mostly Daniel), been addicted to alien technology, aged and de-aged, infected by various alien viruses (again, mostly Daniel).. the list was unending. Yet somehow the quartet of misfits managed to work together and had saved the world more than once. Hammond had to admit it was good they worked so well together--no one else would put up with them. Why should dealing with the children of SG-1 be any different than dealing with SG1 themselves? Heaven help him.



"Xander needs to stay," Oma insisted. "Selmak, if you would explain this latest threat?"





**You got a *what*, Jacob? Have you and Selmak lost it?**




Jacob Carter reluctantly began explaining about the Goa'uld once known as Crius. Crius' host was fatally wounded by Ra, not long before the uprising that drove the Goa'uld from earth. Crius managed to take a new host before his host body expired.



That's when things went really wrong. Crius was one of the most vicious Goa'uld, worse than Ra, Apophis, and Anubis all rolled in one. More reckless though and less powerful. Crius had a history of gaining and losing power, at that time he was a Minor System Lord, not one of the big players though he had been in the past. The being that Crius took as host was--somehow not Tau'ri. The creature called itself Aurelius.



"Aw crap!" Xander groaned. "Aurelius--as in Order of Aurelius?"



"I bet--Angel said that the Order lore that the Master taught him when he was a fledge said Aurelius still was out there somewhere. He went through the Chopped-eyes with the Hellsnakes and was going to return." Cordelia agreed. "And Oompaloompa thinks you need to be at this place..."



"And I'm the Zeppo." Xander began ranting again. “It’s always me. I'm the one that gets possessed by Hyenas, nearly turned into the Creature from the Black Lagoon, get thralled into being Dracula's buttmonkey and eating giant cockroaches, ghost-induced syphilis. Always me. Of course, it's just gotta be Deadboy's great-grandpa that's part of this."



Jack blinked "WHAT?"



"Helloo! Grew up on the Hellmouth, been fighting with the Slayer since I was 15. Speaking of Slayers--that damn sword needs to get to Cleveland!"



"Hellmouth?" Jacob frowned.



"La Boca Del Infierno. The Mouth of Hell. Mystical energy convergence where dimensional barriers are then and the demonic version of the effin Grand Canyon, Eiffel Tower and Statue of Liberty all rolled in one" Xander shot back. "Aurelius. Great. 10,000 year old Vamp--one of the first Vamps at that, taken over partly by a hellsnake. Joy."



"Vamp?" Anise frowned.



"Vamp--vampire. Corpse animated by a demon, lives on blood. Majority of which entire existence centers around as Dawn puts it the three F's." Xander explained.



"Three Fs?" Hammond stared.



"Feeding, Fighting...and not saying the third F in front of the kids but Anne Rice sooo got it wrong on certain bits not working after gettin' vamped." Cordelia smirked.



"TMI! TMI!! Do not want to here about vamp-sex! Especially not any involving Deadboy" Xander yelped.



"The Tau'ri truly believe in these creatures?" Anise scoffed. "Jacob has convinced Selmak of there being some possible aid to stopping Aurelius on earth. And these myths of these creatures."



"Demons" Xander glared. "Vampires are demons. I've been fighting them since I was fifteen. They're real"



"XanO'Neill what is a Slayer?" Teal'c spoke up.



"The Chosen One. The one girl in all the world with the ability to fight the demons. The Vampire Slayer." Xander said after a moment. They had a vampire problem. They also had the PTB's emissary--even if it was Cordelia--saying that he needed to stick around, and they already had aliens and the chopped-eye ring...seemed pointless to bother trying not to explain.



"Chosen One?" Daniel frowned.



"You some sort of book nut?"



"I'm an Archaeologist." Daniel began



"He's got PhD's in archaeology and linguistics, Masters in anthropology.." Jack spoke up cutting Daniel off.



"Artemis' Blessed One. Diana's Chosen Daughter...Uh..Hell according to Giles that Disney movie was actually based on the legends of a Slayer in China way back and Genghis was part demon..Hellmouths--er, Sodom as in Sodom and Gomorrah was a 'Well of Evil' think it was the Akkadians or the Etruscans that called it that...the whole fire and brimstone was when the Hellmouth blew, the freak earthquake in Sunnydale wasn't an earthquake it was the Hellmouth closing. Course there's another hellmouth now, but that's what happened to Sunnydale"



"PEOPLE!" Hammond shouted.



Settling everyone down eventually, George Hammond managed to oversee the strangest conference and exchange of information he ever had in his life. Including everything these last few years as CO of the SGC.



Xander Harris seemed to accept the concept of aliens, travel between planets via wormhole through the Stargate even the quantum mirror which somehow came into the conversation when alternate realities and dimensions were brought up in connection to demons. He wasn't happy about it. And even less so that the glowy squids and the freaking "Powers" said he got to do aliens and an ancient vamp "exported to mars" after nearly eight years of the demon gig. But Cordelia had also assured him that the four kids were his little brothers and sister so he was going to deal with aliens and the "exported vamp" in order to be near his younger siblings, no matter how they came to exist, there really wasn't much to even consider. Wills, Buffy and Dawn were with Giles. Andrew and Spike were in LA with Deadboy. Faith and her baby Slayers were doing fine on the Hellmouth in Cleveland.



Sam Carter had to be quieted several times at the concepts of not only alternate realities but different dimensions entirely. Proof of such things. They had proof of alternate realities. Jack wanted to know the difference between alternate realities and different dimensions.



Xander grabbed a piece of paper and drew a circle on it, then little spokes on the circle. "One dimension, all the divergent realities to infinity around it." A second piece of paper a square was drawn on, first paper put over the second. "Realities are all on one level, all have the same basic set up. Same species, majority same people. Same solar systems. This is a whole different dimension. Different level. Absolutely nothing the same. No earth, no other planets solar systems galaxies the same, let alone any remotely similar beings. make sense....and I've been around Wills and Fred way too long"



"Why does that make sense when he explains it but not when you do Carter?" Jack asked his 2iC.



"Cause she's a mega brain like Fred and Wills. And she's prolly used to dealing with enough other brainiacs that she doesn't bother with dummy-speak." Xander offered as explanation.




**Enter the teen-aged clone**



"What is it, airman?" Hammond growled at the hapless young woman who knocked on the conference room door.



"Sir, Colonel O'Neill has a call on line seven, it's Edison High school."



"Crap" Jack growled and went for the phone by Hammond.



"Dismissed, Airman, thank you." Hammond managed.



"This is Colonel O'Neill...yes I'll hold."



"Colonel?"



"Er, it's his high school." Jack offered awkwardly. "Yes, I'm still here" he said into the phone a moment later. Yes, I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill. Yes, Jonathan is my son." Jack sighed. "He what?" Jack yelped.



Hammond groaned aloud.



"He did...well I'll be there in forty-five minutes to an hour." Jack said. "Yes, I'll speak with you then ma'am......his mother....uh....yeah. I'll see if I can reach her" Jack hung up and looked expectantly at Janet and Sam. "Who wants to be Mini-me's mom?"



"Another kid brother?" Xander raised an eyebrow.



"Clone actually. He's me. Only he's physically 15. Loki did it."



"Loki is?"



"The one who cooked up those four and you. Asgard answer to a mad scientist." Jack answered. "So Carter? Doc?"



"I need to examine the children and make sure they're healthy..." Janet sighed. "Sam you get Little Jack Mommy duty,"



Sam yawned and nodded.



"Neither one of you are in any shape to drive," Janet frowned from Jack to Sam. Both were running on their last reserves of adrenaline after their harrowing ordeal on PX3-009Y.



"Fine, Xander can drive." Jack declared.



"I thought I'd seen the last of school principal's offices." Xander muttered then looked worriedly at the kids. "You aren't going to dissect them or anything."



"No" Janet glared. "Two of them happen to be part mine."



"Okay, just checking. I saw the inside of the Initiative. I don't trust military medical procedures."



Teal'c nodded approvingly. "I can only hope Rya'c is as accepting and protective of his new siblings as you, XanO'Neill."



"Rya'c's Teal'c's boy," Jack answered the questioning look on Xander's face. "Janet has Cassie. Shifu's sorta Danny's step-kid--but he's with Oma."



"Jacob?" Hammond turned his attention back to Jacob Carter, giving up on anything resembling a debriefing from his flagship team. He had gotten that the planet seemed to have numerous rich mineral deposits but the climate was prone to deadly storms. Thor had confirmed that much earlier when he'd come looking for Jack. If Mr. Harris was leaving the base with Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter the risk was minimal that he would run, he didn’t' seem inclined to as protective as he was appearing about the four children. He already had some sort of previous knowledge of the Stargate--at least in reference in--demonic?!?--legends. The young man seemed minimal as a security risk all things considered.



"We can't stay long, we only came to alert you about Crius-Aurelius making a bid for power against Anubis and hopefully find an effective weapon against some of Aurelius' strike teams...they're."



"Yellow eyes, bumpy faced, bad teeth. Pretty well impervious to your average gun-type weapons?"



"Well, yes." Jacob nodded looking at Xander curiously.



"Only strike at night?"



"Yes," Jacob nodded.



"Those are vampires. Stake through the heart, decapitation, setting them on fire, or sunlight will kill them. Holy Water and garlic will hurt them or royally piss them off, depending on how much you use and how old and strong they are." Xander shrugged. "Even if they're fledges just risen, if Aurelius made them they might be stronger than average considering he's got to be in the ballpark of 12,000. His blood would be a hella lot more powerful than your average master so could make extra-tough minions from it...not sure, would have to ask Giles or Wes on that one."



"We have captured five..." Jacob said.



"Why doesn't he go get the vamps, you go get your dad's clone, and then we can check out Angel's long lost relatives" Cordelia spoke up.



"Sounds like a plan to me." Xander shrugged. "But Faith still needs that sword."



"Oompaloompa and I can do sword delivery and make sure Veiny Willow doesn't show up for you. And I want to find my axe for your sister."



"You truly expect us to believe *you* can manage to do anything that we have not?" Anise sneered.



"I've been fighting vampires since I was fifteen," Xander shot back unimpressed completely with the alien woman.



"I cannot believe that,"



"Whatever.' Xander shook his head.



"Selmak, you cannot possibly mean to.."



Jacob Carter's eyes flashed silvery for a second and his voice took on an eerie odd-sound. "Anise, Freya, we have exhausted every other avenue that your science teams have come up with."



"Give us more time then, this Tau'ri boy cannot possibly.."



"Ooo, ego burn. Let's go get your clone, Colonel."



"Son, I am the General and happen to be in charge here" Hammond glared exasperated at the young man.



"I'm not military. 'Sides, I've never followed directions well."



Cordelia snorted.



"No noise from the glowy squid section" Xander shot back in her direction.



"Jacob, permission to bring your vampires for Mr. Harris to deal with. Colonel, Major, Mr. Harris go get er, the little Colonel. Dr. Fraiser check over the children and get them settled somewhere, Teal'c, Dr. Jackson--"



"We're going with Jan and the kids," Daniel cut off the general.



Hammond merely nodded. "Very well."



"Roswell, give Cordy that sword I had in my gear please. And make sure that Willow doesn't go veiny and come looking for me alright Cor?"



"Like, duh...the Powers will knock her on her butt for that. There's nothing expected that would require her mojo in the near future...she better watch the witchiness, cause she's not on Santa's nice list if ya know what I mean."



Xander made a face. He did know what Cordelia meant. While she was improving, and she got that ending the world or using her magic for revenge was wrong, there were days when Willow still really didn't have it that there was this wall in her perception put up by her magic addiction.



"Dismissed." Hammond muttered.



~~*~~



"Hi--dad" the fifteen year old slouched in the chair glared. "Oh, mom too?" he looked at Sam, the principal had said his parents were both on their way, he'd wondered who his mom would turn out to be. Hammond wouldn't let Jack bring Loki he was pretty sure, other than that who knew--though Carter and the Doc were the two most likely candidates.



"Don't be a smartass" Jack grumbled.



"Gee, wonder where I get that from," the boy snarked.



Xander chuckled. "He's worse than I was. So what'd ya do?"



"Who are you?" the boy hissed.



"Xander. Loki did some artificial inseminating in 80 among other things."



The boy's eyes widened.



"So whatcha do?" Xander asked.



"Told off the teacher, then got in a fight with a football player."



"Bet your brother never did that in high school" Jack said.



"Uhm...well, I usually just got beat up by the football players. And I had a solid d-minus average with outstanding attendance in detention. Hell, we blew up our high school"



"Blew up?" Sam choked.



"C4, TNT, homemade fertilizer bombs. Big big boom. Other than the mass carnage, blowing up the school would have been really fun."



Sam shook her head. "You are definitely an O'Neill."



"Mr. and Mrs. O'Neill?"



The boy laughed out loud.



"I'm Colonel O'Neill, and this is Major Carter."



The principal's secretary blinked. "Of course, this way. Jonathan..."



"Xander and Jonathan can come too." Jack announced.



~*~



The principal tried to argue, but didn't get very far at all. Never in her fifteen year tenure at Edison High had she been so glad to see a student and their parents leave. While she had attempted to have a conversation with Mr. and Mrs.--er Colonel and Major O'Neill, the two brothers murmured back and forth on the merits of different explosives, charges and strategic placement of explosives for 'biggest bang for your buck' on certain types of structures. Only slightly less disturbing for the fact that the Colonel was a special ops demolition expert, and the older brother was in construction and had a good bit of experience in demolition through that. "Mom's an astrophysicist and pretty good with geo- and nuclear physics. She designs the bomb, dad sets it off" was obnoxiously explained by Jonathan O'Neill. She ferverently prayed that another O'Neill was never enrolled in Edison high. And had nearly whimpered aloud when Colonel O'Neill had answered. "Yep, four more---Sha'ra, Nicky, Remy and Jake" to the question of there being any more O'Neill children at home.





**Vampires for Dummies er, Superior Alien Bimbos er, well, Vampires 101**




"You really said that to your teacher?" Xander sniggered yet again as the four of them piled out of Jack's truck in the base parking lot.



"I'm older than that little know it all snot! I don't know what the hell she was trying to teach but it wasn't modern history! Twit probably wasn't even born during Watergate."



"That twit thinks you are 15--remember?" Jack glared at Jon. "I thought you were going back and doing things right. And you get expelled. Not just suspended--expelled for cryin' out loud."



"Bust my rank down to Airman, I don't care but let me back in. I belong here. I can't stand--" Jon broke off sulking. "High school sucks...and hey, he said he blew up his high school! I just got expelled."



Jack glared then turned his attention to Xander. "Why?"



"Mayor staged an Ascension of the Demonic kind. Turned into a 100 foot long snake demon during our graduation. We weren't able to stop it before hand so the only way to stop the world from ending was to lure the snake demon into the school and blow it up. Only way we could figure out how to kill the demon."



"See--he had a good reason." Jack said triumphantly to Jon. "And he graduated without expulsion--right?"



"School record for detention, 9 in-school suspensions, 2 out of school suspensions. Never expelled though."



~*~



The Tok'ra had returned with five vampires, four in game face, two of which absolutely feral and insane from starvation.



"Isn't it against the Geneva Convention or something to starve prisoners to death?" Xander glared. "Dust vamps sure, but starving them? That's just sick."



"They were offered food." Anise huffed, insulted.



"They're vampires--duh. They don't eat people food. They eat people blood. Animal blood works too. We usually fed Spike from the butcher shop or Red Cross rejects." So not mentioning Spike's 'breakfast of champions' coco puffs and blood.



"Spike?" Jack and Jon said in almost unison.



"Obnoxious bleached pain in the ass. Turned somewhere around 120-130 years ago, depends on which story he decides to tell. He's got a government issue chip in his head that goes off sending him into agonizing pain if he even thinks of hurting a human. He can't even defend himself. And he's got a soul. Same as Angel. Normal Vampires don't have souls."



"You cannot harm us. We are eternal..."



"Oh puh lease." Xander snorted, pulling a stake from his coat he quickly dusted the starved rabid creature next to the still human-guised vamp. "Poof, all dusty. Now, ya wanna tell me that again?"



"If you kill us you still have no information"



"Anyone wearing a cross necklace or blessed saint's medallion of some sort? Gotta be a cross or blessed?"



"I have a cross." One of the SF guards spoke up.



"Can I borrow it a sec--uhm?"



"Macelli"



"Can I borrow it, Macelli?"



"Sure."



Xander smiled at the cross, small but not dainty or girly, plain silver. It would work just fine.



He pressed it against the side of the 'leader-vamp's' neck.



The vamp screamed.



"And for good measure" Xander pulled a neon green squirt gun from his coat pocket. All four remaining vamps got a spray of the holy water within. "Start talking. You are nothing but stupid little minions for canon fodder--my friends and I have gone up against masters. OLD Masters. More than a few centuries old, and even a couple well over a thousand. This is how this is going to go--we ask the questions. You answer. You get a nice quick dusting. We ask the questions, you piss us off, we get to play how long does it take to torture a bloodsucking minion to death."



"I'd listen to him. Xander's just a little bit nuts when it comes to Vampires. He hates them." Cordelia said appearing. "Here's my axe. And according to Faith everything’s five by five. She's got the sword if she needs it and they've crashed two rituals so it's looking like she might not need it."



"Cool. That one is just too far gone to bother with." Xander nodded to another vampire who was now howling insanely.



"He's been starved battier than Dru. Put him out of his misery" Cordelia spoke up.



Xander sneered at Anise. "Way to kill a vampire numero dos. Decapitation. Sword, axe. any sort of big sharp object will work." An expert swing of the axe took the vampire's head off and it exploded into dust. "Good balance but this is light."



"Well hellooo." Cordelia snorted. "I've seen that battle axe of yours. Not all of us are slayers or construction workers, you know. It'll be perfect for your sister."



"Thanks, Cordy." Xander nodded. "So who's gonna talk first?"



~~*~~



Two hours later the SGC had as much information on Crius-Aurelius as the Tok'ra did, which seemed to annoy the hell out of Anise, and the final three vamps were dusted.



"They were sentient beings" Daniel glared at Xander.



Xander sighed. "Vampires.--"



"They were sentient beings" Daniel repeated.



"Well look at it this way, quick death over being a lab rat of the SpaceHo there til they starved to death." Xander sighed.



Daniel nodded reluctantly at that.



"Mr. Harris is continuously insulting our allies necessary?"



"Nope, just the Silicone Wench there."



Hammond stifled a groan. Several, including the Tok'ra had sudden coughing fits or bouts of throat clearing.



"Vampires are like your snakes in a way, the demon takes over."



"But the host.."



"Is dead. Vampires are animated corpses. No pulse, no heart beat, no getting rid of the demon and getting the person back."



"You will supply us with the weapons we need to fight these beings." Anise announced.



"And what do we get back? And are you actually smart enough to tell a vamp from a person."



"Anise!" Selmak spoke up.



"Stake to the heart of a vampire turns them to dust. Stake to the heart of someone in the wrong place at the wrong time equals dead innocent."



"Casualties are unavoidable" Anise sneered.



"Conversation, OVER" Xander shot back. "You're the good guys how? Just not seein it with that bitch there" he glared at Jacob Carter who seemed to be in charge.



"Son," Jacob began.



"You have the basic information on how to kill a vamp, carve your own damn stakes."



"You are just a child who does not have any understanding of the realities of war." Anise sneered.



Xander leveled a deadly cold glare on her. "I've been fighting demons for eight years. My friends and I have saved the world plenty of times. The first vampire I ever dusted was in the middle of a ceremony called The Harvest which was meant to raise a very powerful ancient vampire that had been trapped in kind of a magic bubble-jail cell.


The vampire I dusted was named Jesse."



Cordelia gasped. "You--you were the one that had to dust Jesse? Oh God, Xander. I never knew that."



"Who was Jesse?" Jack frowned.



"My best friend. His mom had pictures of me and him sitting in the same damn playpen when we were babies. The Childr and Minions of the ancient master that they were trying to raise caught him, killed him turned him, use him as bait against the Slayer, cause Jesse, Wills and I were the Slayer's friends. I was fifteen, lady, FIFTEEN. My best friend my entire life crumbled to dust in front of my eyes on the stake I held. Graduation the mayor turned into a giant purple snake demon. We weren't able to stop him before then so we had to deal with him as a giant snake. We rigged the school to blow came up with a plan to lure the snake into the school, the only way we could figure to kill the snake-demon. Our entire class fought that time. We all knew there was something weird in that town. IT was one of those things you just didn't talk about. The Slayer had her head so far up Angel's ass at the time we were left to figure out the plan on our own. Forty three classmates I'd known since kindergarten died that day. I was the one that made our battle plan, I was the one that assigned the positions those forty three that were killed were in. I knew they would die. They knew they would die. I picked them---because they were the strongest, they'd buy us the most time to get the final charges laid in the school, for the others to get grandmas and kid sisters and brothers and panicked relatives the hell out of the way as much as possible. You're the one that needs the dose of reality, wench. The only acceptable casualty is evil. There are some that are unavoidable, but they sure as hell aren't acceptable. Don't tell me what I don't know. You are about as soulless as a vamp."




**I don't want to hear it, Go home.**



George Hammond had spent the last forty eight hours on the phone more than not. The entire situation had brought Major 'Disaster' Davis to the Mountain.



"All I can say is if Thor was going to kidnap someone and drop them here it was at least one of this bunch" Davis shook his head staring at the unbelievable file the Pentagon had produced on the Watcher's Council in general and one Alexander LaVelle Harris in specific.



The paperwork had been sorted out--sort of.



Watching the train wreck that was the deciding of custody of the four youngsters had been.....well it had been... The full tempers of all of SG-1 and one redheaded Cajun. Dr. Fraiser's mostly lost accent had returned in full force and the good doctor had treated the SGC to the filthiest demonstration of Cajun Patois imaginable, which was nothing compared to Dr. Jackson, who proved he could not only speak in 20odd languages fluently and bits of a dozen or so more, he could cuss like a marine in all of them and under no circumstances were the children being split up or shuttled back and forth. He'd spent half his childhood as a ping pong ball in the system and they were NOT going to create their own version of it. Teal'c who had spent precious little time with Rya'c growing up wanted as much time with the children as possible and the Jaffa actually proved he had more than one facial expression and tone of voice. Though SG-1's other three members would have said so years before.



While the five had been argued to bring down the mountain Xander gathered up Jon and his four younger siblings demanded a computer with net access and a phone. Phone calls made to people named Willow, Andrew, and Fred...some internet searches..Xander walked into the mess hall where the "battle royal" was taking place as "neutral territory" and as Carter had put it--the whole SGC would be talking about it they might as well have the story straight with front row seats. "We're moving here...you can move with us or not." Xander announced dropping a computer print out on the table. "There" was a Spanish-style hacienda on a small ranch about 25 miles from the mountain. It had served it's time as both a dude ranch and a "get in touch with nature" ritzy resort for eastern executives in the seventies and eighties. It was rundown and had been left standing empty for the better part of the last decade but not uninhabitable and that was where the children, Jon and Xander were moving.



Thor got "called" with the communicator the children had been given by the Asgard High Commander and ordered to "do the zappy thing and make with the furniture moving" by Xander Harris.



Hammond had groaned but at least peace had come back to the SGC with SG-1 and Dr. Fraiser all once again getting along and plotting out who would reside exactly where in the house and on the grounds. Janet almost never went off world so she would be in charge of the children--including Jon who threw a raging fit that he was not a kid--when SG-1 was off world.



While the large ranch house and it's assortment of cabins worked out well--if oddly--to solve SG-1's problem of what to do with the children it gave Hammond a whole new set of headaches dealing with the frat regs. Xander had pointed out he knew that the Frat Regs were overlooked for a strike force that General Hammond's daughter was on--since she and her husband were on the same team...and that was a well known fact. If exceptions could be made for Riley and Sam Finn they could be made for SG-1 and Dr. Fraiser.



"What he said--" Jack nodded.



"And if you all have the same residence.."



"They're keeping the kids together not getting groiny." Xander rolled his eyes quite unimpressed by the rigormoral of the regs and red tape.



Janet had made the mistake of taking a drink of her coffee just before Xander opened his mouth. "I swear I'm going to tattoo Surgeon General's warning--choking hazard on your forehead."



Hammond shook his head with a sigh.



"Go home, people. Go. You have one week stand down. Get settled. Do not come back with any more surprises. Just go" Hammond shook his head.




three months later, SG-1 residence.



**The Strangest Noel**



"General! You made it, sir!" Samantha Carter answered the door.



"Of course," George Hammond smiled.



"Haa'shaak! Why do you have a tree in your house!" Bra'tac's voice came from further in the house.



"Quit calling me a sheep, you old goat, and it's a Christmas tree!" Jack's irritated voice drifted to Hammond.



"It is a tree! Trees do not belong in houses, haa'shaak!"



Sam took the general's coat and ushered him into the large living room.



George Hammond simply had to stop and stare a moment. The Christmas tree was in the process of being decorated because it had been decided to wait until entire family could decorate it. Xander, Cassie, Sha'ra, Nicky, Remy, Jake, Jon and an extremely dubious Rya'c were hanging the ornaments. Teasing and bickering good naturedly. Along with a teenage girl who was chattering happily with Cassie and a brooding boy whom Xander kept giving dark looks to and loudly growled "Remove the stake from your ass, liveboy" at.



Bra'tac was looking at the proceedings as if it confirmed all his thoughts on the Tau'ri being insane. A tree in the house covered with baubles. Not even the false gods were quite that strange. Jacob Carter and his friend, a Tok'ra woman named Aya host to Javaran, were watching the children with amusement.



Two glowing figures appeared. "Cordy, you made it" Xander grinned.



"Oma Desala is going to be displeased." the smaller figure said.



"Oh Ooompa loompa can blow it out her tentacles, Shifu, we're celebrating Christmas with your family."



"Shifu, come help with the decorating." Jon O'Neill ordered.



George Hammond could safely say he'd never seen anything quite like the "Carter/Fraiser/Jackson/O'Neill family Christmas gathering". Three Jaffa--Teal'c, Rya'c and Bra'tac--two Tok'ra--Jacob Carter and Aya. A pair of Ascended beings--both unique at that, one being the Haresis child Shifu and the other Cordelia Chase, born human, turned part demon. Jonas Quinn had returned to the SGC permanently, Nyan was there as well, upping the alien total as Nyan had no other family on earth and had become one of SG-1's strays, as well as something of a protégé to Dr. Jackson.



Hammond was introduced to a bouncy redheaded young woman, Willow Rosenburg, who had come to spend the holidays with Xander, and the pair of teenagers she brought with her...Connor Angel and Dawn Summers, both of whom it seemed would be staying on with Xander for a few months because of "the usual world endage"



Willow began teasing Xander about what he had gotten her for Christmas.



"Women are impossible." Xander said sagely to his brothers and Rya'c. "That one born Jewish, grows up to be a Wicca and I still can't get outta buyin her a Christmas present!"



Jon sniggered. Then attempted to help Xander explain the Jewish and Wicca references to the other boys.



That set off a "tinsel war" with the younger set--boys against girls.



"No fair we're outnumbered!" Cassie complained.



"Yeah but we're sneakier" Dawn grinned.



*FLASH*



"Thor! And friends...what brings you?" Jack O'Neill greeted.



"Greetings, O'Neill." Thor went through blinking and greeting those he knew. The Asgard had had another little situation--run in with some of Aurelius' Vampires--a few weeks back. SG-1 had complained about missing Thanksgiving while in transit on the Asgard ship and had been adamant that they were going to be home for Christmas.



"You have one of your Christmas wishes, I see, O'Neill."



Jack nodded. "Everyone home for Christmas yeah. Soo, who's your friends?"



"This is Odin, and this is Freyu members of the High Council." Thor said blinking. "There is a tree in your home O'Neill."



"It's a Christmas Tree, Thor" Jack sighed.



"See! I am right, Haa’shaak! Trees do not belong in houses! The Tau'ri are mentally insufficient!"



"Will you stop with the haa'shaak already, Bra'tac!" Jack growled.



"And they're off" Xander and Jon muttered as Daniel and Willow began a tag-team babble about the history of Christmas Trees and Yule logs.



"Fer cryin out loud, you two!" Jack rolled his eyes. "Ought to marry you two off you can babble to each other and spare the rest of us."



Willow snorted. "Sorry, I have a girlfriend thank you very much."



"Still doing the lesbian thing, huh?" Cordelia asked.



"Yeah, Kennedy, she's working though...She's with Faith and Buffy dealing with that cult of slime demons from the seventh layer of hell in Cleveland. Magic doesn't work on them so I'm helping Xander guard Dawn and Connor."



The trio of Asgard were blinking for all their life's worth trying to follow who and what was all present.



"So, Thor, you're here...why?" Jack asked.



"We have brought you a Christmas present."



"Sweet, what is it?"



"You did say all you wanted for Christmas, other than your family together was--and I quote--to kick Loki's little gray butt." Thor said.



*FLASH*



A fourth Asgard alien appeared, this one with it's hands bound.



"Here is Loki's little gray butt to be kicked." Thor said. "Merry Christmas, O'Neill."



"Sweet." Jack grinned ferally.



~fin~